Taking My Life Back!
I do believe this week is going to go where this woman has not gone before. I am going to reveal a very real and personal moment that I did not want to think, admit, or own a damn diagnosis that apparently I have. I am cursing in my head as I write this and openly making faces at the computer, you, God, and probably even me. I may have to start at the beginning for all of you who have not been on this journey with me thus far and those just starting the journey today.
I am a recovering addict, a scorned and scarred woman, a mouthy broad and opinionated lady, a cranky female, and an old gal. Although you may think I am either being very hard on myself or very full of myself, the truth is they are all me and I wear these titles with pride. And here is a little of my funny for you right now. The urban dictionary states that ‘a broad’ is a singer, dancer, actor or business-woman who sings loud, parties hard and is often abrasive, sarcastic and in-your-face.’ For anyone who has known me for more than a minute; well, you have got to say they must have written this with me in mind. And here I am already stalling time and hoping that I will not go ahead with this piece and then I say to self; dream on baby, dream on. We all know I am going to do it and we all know I will leave nothing out or tell no lies. So, here we go…
What bothers me more than anything else about this subject is I have been so darn in need of being the strong and tough girl and this news may break that mold I have thought I belonged in all these years. You see, I have two very different perceptions of what can happen to you, the world, and what I can allow happen to me. Oh dear lord, I am having such a hard time putting this on paper because I am still rolling it around in my head with disbelief and kicking myself for ‘letting’ this happen. It would appear that I have PTSD about something that happened a long time ago and has stayed with me and continues to haunt me to this day. There was a time in my life where I was held hostage for about twelve to sixteen hours. It was awful, scary, and I was all alone when this happened. I have spent many, well really all the years since this happened making sure that it would never happen again. When certain incidents would bring me back to those feelings and the rising rage to mask those feelings; I would just plow forth, leave you or threaten that I was leaving you, and conquer it, or so I thought. It did not for one moment lend me to think I may have this PTSD issue. Not for a second did I think that my life was being run by an action out of my past. To come to this place where my sponsor said these words aloud about me was very cruel in my thinking. She had to be wrong, she just had to. Guess what? She is not wrong or cruel. So, I now get to work through this feeling and event of my past that will not get to rule any more of my time and thoughts and emotions. I know that it will not happen overnight as things do not happen that way. Life does not happen that way.
It would seem that I am at an impasse here and the writing is not coming as easy as I would have thought, although I still feel that this is the correct ‘topic de jour’ and will continue to plow through after a brief interlude and a little rest and relaxing mind around this.
Here are the things I know for sure. Whenever I feel like I can’t breathe and I am visibly shaking and my world seems like a very hostile place at that moment, and then I get a damn wicked headache because of the above, well, this is the event. I know that this pattern happens every time I am left home without the car. I know this happens every time there is something to be done in my world and you (anybody else in my world) drag ass on your part. I know this happens every time I am restricted from doing something for whatever reason or timing, even if it is me doing the restricting. I know this happens whenever I feel powerless over something in my world. And I know that as of late the visible and personal feelings that come up in me are a whole lot stronger than they ever were. And that, the past has taught me, means I get to make sure I feel safe at all times, take special care of myself at all times, and not put myself in any situations that will leave me feeling this way until I get the help I need to sort out these issues. I have started the process by making the appointments I need and now I get to wait out the waiting without stirring the pot any more than necessary.
I write about this today because it is where I am today and what I am going through today. I write about this because one or more of you (my valued readers) may have similar feelings around a totally different memory from your past and not know that there are ways to put those events to rest and that we do not have to continue down our roads thinking we are alone or there are no solutions, because there are solutions. There are ways to stop this from running us and paralyzing us. Sometimes just one word from one person can leave us feeling a little bit better and a little less alone. And sometimes, we just need to know what we are feeling and why we are feeling these emotions.
I understand and realize that this process will not be without its own set of challenges. The process of working through something already tells me it is going to be work and pain because that is what working through means. I have to go back there and walk, drag, curse, fight my way to the other side. It is at this junction I am going to step away from focusing on what I will have to do because I am not there today and I may actually not be a Psychologist or Therapist and therefore not even know what I am talking about.
I think I would like to circle back the urban definition of ‘A broad’, though. I will start by explaining just how close I am to this meaning. I am a singer, dancer, and an actress, all in my head; but that is okay. I have fun with it all and that is the most important thing and makes me all of the above. I am a business woman from nine-to-five. I do sing loud and I used to party hard. However, the abrasive, sarcastic, in-your-face is my trademark and my pleasure. It is why I get up in the morning and how I make it through the day in one piece. I really like this title ‘The Broad’ that I have now taken over and given myself. “It’s nice to meet you. My name is Maureen, The Broad.” Here is where one of us would curtsy and I am going to say it would be you to me. I kind of sound like royalty when I announce myself that way. And I am really liking the airs it gives me; and even though you and God may be rolling in the aisles right now with laughter, I don’t care. I like it and I am going to have my name legally declared. I will get a coat of arms and a flag to declare my own sovereign nation and land. I will finally be the true princess I want to be and if you are nice I will invite you for tea and if you are not nice I will have you ostracized from my island called ‘Great.
Sometimes I think that I should be writing the fairy tales of today. Headlines reading: ‘She went out and got it all. She wanted to be a princess and formed her own Country to do that. She wanted to be great and so gave herself the name and title. She wanted to be special and so she gave herself power and a coat of arms to carry.’ And on my next day pass, I am going to color outside the lines and write my anthem song. Ah, but we will have fun.
I absolutely above all else love that I could have lived the life I have and still retain a semblance of funny in my bone and the ability to laugh at myself. I know of others that did not fare this well. There are a lot of people in our world today that struggle on a daily and even hourly basis. There are people out in our world today hanging on to life with but a thread. And there are people in our world today thinking no one cares if they are alive or not. And then there are the people who live great lives the way they always wanted to and the people who are living lives they never wanted to. Our world is vast and varied and filled with people of all kinds living all kinds of lives. Before we shot the messengers and the people who have lives we wish we had; truly look at these people. Not all books are enjoyable to read and not all reads are enjoyable to be a book. Instead of wishing for someone else’s life and how lucky they are; make sure they are truly happy with what they have.
For this next week, I want to hope that we all have hope for love for each other and hope for compassion for all.
It is here that I will look for another commonality we all share. This has been my biggest process and task to date and I have loved every week finding the traits we share. This week marks number eleven and before I give this week’s finding, I want to list the past ten. We have found a heartbeat, soul, memories, strength, laughter, power, love, dreams, kindness, and sharing. And this week I will add to our list hope. We all have the ability to hope. Our hopes can be very different and yet very the same. What I mean is that I can have hope that we will find a cure for cancer and you, having cancer, may very well be hoping that you live through your cancer. Another can be hoping they live through this minute and another may hope they do not. Whatever it is we are hoping for, it does still mean we all share the common denominator of hope.
I hope you all enjoyed the read and have a spectacular week ahead, whatever that looks like for you. If you did enjoy the read; please like, share, follow, and comment if you so are moved. Enjoy the day for it is the only one we have today.