The Process And My Head
First, I must apologize for the lateness of this week’s piece. It didn’t seem to want to write itself or be of any assistance as I tried three different angles. It turns out, as per usual that they were not the right topic for today. How many times this has happened; I cannot even count. But here I sit on a Sunday evening and smooth sailing is happening before my eyes as the words are forming themselves on my page and I get to read as I write. I have to admit, albeit grudgingly, that I first had to step away and stop trying to force the blog to go my way. I then had to get all the crap out of my head and into the ears of my trusted confidant, my husband. Luckily for me, he knows when I am not right and he is always ready to listen as we weave our way through the mountains and caves between my ears. And low and behold, I now sit at my computer energized and light as I so needed this week to end. I realize that there are a couple of things in my aged mind and body that I have come to learn the hard way because good lord I don’t want to do the easy way ever. Even after all this time in my life with me at my helm; I still do not want to do the, I dislike even thinking of the word as it sends chills up my spine, but the word is process.
Yes, you read correctly; I do not like doing the processing. I do not want to go through things and think about them and analyze the crap out of them and neatly fold them up in a compact package and bury them. I want to come out kicking and screaming and demanding that I be all right without having to process things, to go through things. Why just once can I not get to the other side of something without having to say it out loud, talk about it, grieve the loss of it, and bury it? Why, for once, can I not just say I’m done and it is over and gone? I am chuckling out loud as this piece writes itself and I am reading where my thought process is going. In my head, I am stomping my feet and it is not to the beat of a song either; it is a temper tantrum in my head type of stomping.
I would like to think that after these past nine years in recovery I would have either gotten it in my head that process comes with every change or at least realized that the temper tantrums are just my way of thwarting off my greater powers authority. And I am sure that both you and my Gods are having such a laugh at my expense and I applaud you for having at least leaving me with the dignity I rode in on. That is truly a picture when you understand the horse I rode in on was a broom and the suitcase I carried in was a plastic bag. Well, maybe not quite that graphic but I am sure you get the sort of picture I am painting.
Somehow I have gone from ground zero to the twelfth floor without stopping on a number of the floors in between as that is the only explanation I have to being here on the penthouse floor with no walking stick to guide me and no guide book to use the walking stick. I am feeling a bit out of my element in this new environment I find myself in, and just a little cranky that I am feeling out of my element in this new environment. I feel a bit like a dog chasing its tail right now and that is really saying something as I have been on a more than a few tail chasing expeditions. But I digress. I was about to talk about my favorite thing in the world, processes. Sarcasm cannot even touch the awful wanting to crawl out of my skin feeling this word leaves me with. Nails on a chalkboard comes to mind, but I think as bad as that is, it would be preferable to this wading through my feelings and processing them. And again, I digress. I think I have become pretty adept at this little game of darts, the to and fro, the banter back and forth.
But this weekend I had to look at some things and make some decisions and let some things go. This has been coming for a while and needed to be taken care of and I needed to let it go so my life would be easier to live and have value again. Sometimes in life, we carry things with us long after they have outlived their expiry date and usefulness, thinking that they hurt nothing in a closet out of the way. For me, that is a very untruth I believed. Because even though they were out of sight of my eyes; my mind knew they were there and they had ceased being of any positive notion in my world. It was time to dig out some crap and throw it in the trash and let it go.
My surprise is that once I had made that decision and then thrown out these things; well, I thought I should feel instantaneously better. I felt that that is the way it should happen. Imagine my surprise that the way it really went was that I was left feeling lost and lethargic and there were no explosions or fireworks or weight lifted. Again, I must remind you, my valued reader, that my mind had as per usual thought that I could zip past go, collect two hundred dollars, and immediately win the game. I needed not to process the change. And, as per usual, I may have been wrong, okay so I was wrong. But you can’t blame a girl for trying, right? Not this girl and not this day.
It does never cease to amaze me when I am writing with the right ‘topic de jour at’ my fingertips. What also amazes me still today is how good it feels to write about something that I should and want to be writing about. It is like my adrenalin is in high gear and I cannot keep up the typing to the speed of my thought. It is a real heady feeling and one that will render me sleepless for a bit when I hit the pillow, but it is also a feeling I love. There is a distinctive excitement and blood rushing to my fingers and shortness of breath that is only captured more by the wide smile on my face. There is a part of me that says go to bed and another part that says leave me alone until I’m done. I think that is the one I am going with today.
Processes are things that I do not care much for. Don’t get me wrong, I do love the outcome of the process and I do love reaping the benefits of the process; I just do not like the work that I have to put into it to reap the benefits of the process I have to complete. I have hopes that one day this will be alleviated and I can just go from there to here without the work in the middle, you know, like alleviating the middle man.
I don’t know if anyone else ever feels like the work involved with sorting through things and discarding what is no longer of value or holds meaning or is just sitting there taking up space both on the shelf and in your head, but for me it is a whole event that is wrapped around stating it aloud and looking at it and mulling it over as I see if there may be any way to turn this into something positive in my life and doing the list of pros and cons and having conversations with God, and talking with my husband to double check if I am doing the right thing for the right reasons. It is exhausting trying to decide if I should throw my single socks out that have no match. Hey, I have gotten better because I can remember having to have small funeral services to be able to allow them to exit.
I hope you found the laughter reading this that I had writing it. And, although the actual decision and letting go was a bit more real and stronger, that does not mean it cannot have funny and fresh moments. The world can be hard to maneuver sometimes, but we can still find joy in the process through the rain and tears. Being serious when we have to does not mean we cannot find laughter along the route, as well.
As I come to the close of this week’s piece and I begin to think of my continued search for common traits we share as humans; I find myself thinking of sharing. We do all have the trait and ability to share. Whether we allow that to shine is a whole other conversation. In my life, I have found that those with the least tend to want to share the most and those with the most seem to want only more. So, how about this week we all try to share something with another person? There are so many people in our world that could really use us sharing something with them. Maybe it is a hug, or a buck, or a thought, or maybe just a smile.
As always; if you enjoyed the read, please like, follow, share, and even comment if that so moves you. Whatever you do though, do it nice and be kind and have a great week.