Love Is My Decision And My Choice
This will be the biggest story yet as I begin to get ready to let go of the one last vestige of fear I carry. Oh yes, you and I are going to walk with me as I let go of the fear I hold most dear and near to my heart. It is the one that almost got away because I did not want to push past it and drag it out into the open. I am feeling so uncomfortable already as I get closer and closer to saying it out loud. Part of me wants to just delete this and walk away, however, I know if I do that then I am doing the biggest disservice to you and I and the most unbearable disrespect to myself. You and I have gone on so many journeys around and inside my head, heart, and soul; this is just one more thing to be told and made half as strong as I share with you my innermost thought. And so, we will walk through this and I will release and you will believe. By the end of this, you will know that someone has gone through what maybe up until now, you thought no one understood. By the end of this, you will know that we can get through anything clean because I have and continue to do so.
In twenty fourteen my nephew and his girlfriend at the time were found responsible for killing a woman. I remember as the woman was found missing and watching the story on the news again and again as the family pleaded for help with her whereabouts. I remember praying for her to be found alive and praying for the family to have the strength to get through this. I had done this many times before for many other families on the news with missing loved ones. My heart always went out to the families searching for their missing person and to the persons’ they were searching for to be found alive and okay. Then I start to hear my nephew and his girlfriend’s name on the news in reference to this woman who is missing. And then they are apprehended and the body of this beautiful young woman is found and they are up on murder charges. My heart was still going to this family in their state of shock, anger, and disbelief. Now my heart hurts for my brother, and for her family. I want to believe that this is crazy but I did not. Somehow it all made a senseless sense. I wasn’t as shocked as I maybe could have been when he was found and admitted guilt. I had watched him grow up very troubled and very cocky about his place in this world. Much more than that needs not to be said about this event. Where I do want to go with this is finding a place in my heart and soul to get past the horrific event that was at my brother’s son’s hands. It took a long time to get myself right with all of my feelings. I was in the corner for the family from the time these charges became known. The only heart I had was split between my brother and her family. There was no room for him, my nephew, in any of my thoughts at that time.
As things died down and he was sentenced to life in prison, and she was sentenced with a minor ten years; it came to be that I could continue to be their (the families) champion in the only way left for me to be. I could be with (her family) when either of these two people tried to get paroled and vote against it with them. I recently had said this to my brother because I had avoided saying it before to him. When I said it out loud to him I felt a release like no other. I finally felt like I was living the truth and speaking my peace.
In all honesty, we can be told or even tell ourselves that these events are not about us; but that is far from the truth. I have a heart and passion in that heart that directs me to feel about things and though not always rational; it is still very real and very true. The facts are that my nephew did this heinous crime and he is serving a life sentence for that. The fact is that the right and just thing was delivered to him. And the fact is that my brother lives with this knowledge every day of his son. The rest of our family lives with this knowledge as well. I live with this knowledge every day and will for the rest of my life. My brother was the baby in our family and I was the oldest and we have a bond since children that cannot ever be broken. There have been many times in our lives that we did not speak and did the sibling thing way too strong as we are both passionate people cut of the same cloth. But when it comes to sorting out how to live with these events, well that becomes a very personal thing. And one I have struggled with for quite some time.
There have been way too many opinions on my personal thoughts and feelings that did not need to be in my head or heart. This is something that will be in the history of my life forever and something that I have to make right in my head and heart. I truly do not like having someone in my family who is a killer; not that I think anyone would. (What you don’t see in this piece is how fast I am trying to type this and the number of mistakes I am making doing it this way. It is like I have to get it on paper as fast as I can. I may feel I need to do this quickly and publish it before I change my mind, but I may never know for sure.) And back to the task at hand, I will go.
I have done a lot searching and had lengthy talks with my greater power and done a lot of questioning of everything that I know to be right and everything I feel to be good. I have continued this process for a long time because I did not want to do the next wrong thing and pay the piper for that decision. Having done all this searching and questioning has left me with the bare bones of my reality and my values. I do need to preserve my beliefs and values and I do not have to feel guilty about my feelings for my nephew. I do not have to condone what he has done or even to continue to love him. I do not have to feel guilty for not loving him; he did this, not me. I get to choose where and to whom my love goes and it does not belong with him. I have taken my life back and refused to live in the shadow of guilt that I should love him because he is family.
Our hearts are fragile and solid and true and we get to guard them with our lives. Nobody should get to hurt them or try to break them. There are so many sayings that come to mind, but none as true as the following. “If I choose to give you my heart; you must promise to keep it safe. If my heart is not as important as your heart; I promise I will have to keep mine safe.” These are definitely the words of a wise and hurt one for she kept her heart to herself after that. She made a vow and upheld it. And although the times we live in today are very transient and things are not made to last; we should still be able to be trusted with someone’s heart. We should still be able to think that is a very big deal and a very high honor to have bestowed upon.
My heart is fragile at times and at other times it is stronger than I could have ever thought it could be. It has withstood the hands of time and held true on the darkest of days. It has spent a lifetime searching for that someone who would guard it like no other. After years of searching and praying and praying and searching; I get to find out that I am the one who can guard my heart with my life. I am the ‘who’ I was always searching for. Now, this may sound a little off to some of you and that is okay. Please bear with me as I explain. After years of searching for someone to love me; I found out I could love me. After years of praying for someone to treat me right; I found out I am the one to treat me right. And, after years of wishing and hoping and praying and searching; I found that I am the one who couldn’t answer the door to love.
And that brings me to the end of another piece and the continued search for common ground. This week I am adding love to our repertoire of commonalities. It is something we all search for, desire, need and have to give or want to give. It seems to be the burning question and answer to all of our single most thoughts. The want to love and be loved has always made the world go round. Even if it is masked as anger or hurt; once unwrapped there it is lying dormant and awaiting that kiss of a prince or toad. I must say that the things we all have in common are coming to be quite a list of traits we share. I must also say this exercise is renewing my belief in mankind as I take our basic common traits and put them to ink. We really are not a bad sort once we take away all the hurts, egos, and nightmares in this, our modern world.
The wars going on today are but the symptoms and solutions that are coming from people’s fears of condemnation and righteous leaders standing up to this. There may be winners, but at what cost, humanity? One would think we would learn from our past. One would think we had at least read the past.
If you enjoyed the read; please like, share, follow and comment if you so choose. If you didn’t like the read, maybe continue to read on and see if there is another one that tickles your fancy. Face the week like you own it and then dance with it like you both know the steps.