Where Oh Where Has MY Timing Gone
And I am feeling a bit saggy, like a wet diaper this week. It is like I cannot get ahead of the game. As I continue to struggle with time constraints, poor time management skills, and the ever-present not enough hours in my day/week/month/life; well you can see how much of a roller coaster ride my emotions and frustration get to be. This is where you will find me this week. Smack dab in the middle of too many things to do and way too little time to do them in. And oh my god am I sitting in this today. I got up only an hour ago feeling great and rested and happy. Now, only an hour later; I am sitting in the poor me’s, lack of time to get the things that matter done and have already tossed out the crap that is not going to be done. And yet, here I sit writing this piece in sheer delight as it leaves my head and lands on the paper; like this is the most important thing to do right here and now.
As this crazy thought comes into my mind that maybe it is not time management that is the problem; the problem may be the actual things that remain on the important list to start with. I will explain what I mean. I know how anal I am with most things in my life, home, desk at work, and on and on with all of my life.
Last week I decided to try something new and see how it left me feeling. At first, it drove me crazy, almost insane. I could not stop thinking about it and I was surely obsessed and possessed. I thought over and over again how much time was going into this and sleep was being lost on this. And then I came to a couple of realizations as the week passed as I found myself losing less sleep and spent less time focusing on this newness in my life. By the week’s end, I was actually okay with how I hung my towels and facecloths in my bathroom. All right, now you can laugh. This whole paragraph and week was an adventure to see if the two towels in my bathroom would be okay if they were just hung and not hung level and right side out and tags inside and not showing. …An adventure to see if they and I would survive if they were just thrown on the hook and hung over the rack inside out and upside down and all willy nilly. …An adventure to see if I could get as dry with the outside of the bath towel as the inside. Turns out they work just as well and probably will save me a couple of hours over the week by being less finicky and devoted to just throwing them where they go, as opposed to measuring lengths and finding tags and looking for the outside, only to use the inside.
Now I start to wonder; does everything have a place and the right place at that? Does everything have to be neat and tidy and done as often as I do it? Is my life being run by overbearing and rudimentary tasks in my head? Could I spend less time cleaning and more time on living? Can I change my life to be hostage to none of these things? Could my life be better without all the constraints and neurosis of my having to have everything facing the right way and measured in lengths and done certain ways? Has my life lost meaning with this entire hippie like thinking and will order cease to be in my life? Will everything I thought was correct now be thought of as wasted and wrong? Dear God the horror that will erupt in my very soul and leave me with no way to measure what is up and down, wrong and right, ying and yang. I want to pull my hair out as I try to figure out who I am madder at today. Am I madder at the world and God for leading me astray for so long or am I madder at myself for the delusions I have lived under and with for my whole life? I am going to go ahead and say the world and God and leave it there. I refuse to take the blame for wanting order in my life and
I was upstairs earlier and saw the towels and facecloths in such disarray in my bathroom and still wanted so badly to ‘fix’ them, but I did not follow that urge. I walked out feeling like things were not quite right and not quite finished. Inside there is that tiny niggling voice saying the bathroom is not finished and the hair on the back of my neck stands up in despair and almost rage as I walk out of the room once again and leave things be. I would like to attempt another exercise but I am afraid that may just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I am afraid I may go into a deep depression or have my nerves snap. I can see it now on the news and headlines reading… ‘Woman snaps over two towels and two facecloths hanging all willy nilly in her bathroom and is having to be talked in off the ledge of a building over the chaos that went too far. She will be able to go home only after the towels and facecloths apologize and fix themselves.’
It always amazes me just how silly thoughts and feelings can be sometimes, or rather, how thoughts and feelings can be reduced to silliness sometimes. When I can take some of my more wild thoughts and find a way to make them look as crazy as I am feeling, well that seems to make me feel better. There are times when my thoughts control outcomes and when they border on the insane. I get to live with that reality today. I get to be okay with it most of the time. And, then there are the moments when I attempt to change a thought or feeling that I am comfortable with but want to change and everything comes crashing down to leave me shaking my head at the me inside of me. Figure that little sentence out. I actually dare you. I am not touching that one with a ten-foot pole today. I have enough on my plate as I continue to wait out the calming of the towel/facecloth episode. For anyone out there reading my work for the first time; God help you as you maneuver your way through this little diatribe from my diary of the mad woman named me. For the rest of you; well you had to know this was coming and I hope it is as pivotal as you expected it would be.
I am feeling that life is going to be very rocky for a bit as I continue to try and change some very descript things in front of me. I have been trying for the last thirty-six hours to think of the hyphenated word to describe my emotional connection to my need to rank order in every aspect of my life; but all that is coming to mind is off-my-rocker, crazy-as-a-loon, light-in-the-head, and of course a-brick-short-of. I am sure any of those would be apt and truthful, but for some reason, I wanted something more catchy and avant-garde to describe this tiny part (whole) of my brain. So to pick the phrase ‘short-of-breath-slight-of-head’ to describe my obsessive-compulsive disorder; well I am going with that. Oh my word, I have said that over a few times in my head and we like it very much. The newest diagnosis in the medical world comes to light for all those who feel that OCD just isn’t the word you want to use, well, ‘short-of-breath-slight-of-head’ or the short version SOBSOH is the new OCD. Doesn’t this sound like something you want to be afflicted with, labeled as, a part of? She says with a smile on her face, I have SOBSOH.
So now that I have labeled it and given it a name, I will have to discuss side effects and treatments once diagnosed as SOBSOH. Shortness of breath whenever coming into contact with mess, chaos, things hanging wrong like towels, pictures, boxes, cans, etc. Or that feeling that rage is right below the surface and things are not just right in our head when faced with clutter, stupidity, lameness, stupidness, etc. Possible solutions that could be tried are getting rid of the boxes, pictures, towels, and all people that fall under the umbrella of side effects. There could be a prescribed solution for the sicker persons of a strong anxiety medication with an even stronger laxative helping keep these people happy and pooping their troubles away. Either way, those of us afflicted with this emotional disease will be much happier and lighter as we poop and smile our way through.
I love it when my imagination can come up with solutions to very important issues today. I believe this could be the ‘Nobel Peace Prize of 2019 ‘. Just think of how happy we would all be with very happy pills and strong laxatives in our lives as we make decisions for the world. There would be no time for wars, no need for anger, and no desire for spreading lies and deceit.
I feel as if I have taken this piece as far as it can go and it is now time to turn the light amber and slowly make my way to the close.
To continue on with looking for traits we all share comes the obvious today. There is the laughter. We all know and have the ability to laugh. Now, we may not all do it all the time or even often for some, but, we all have the ability and have been known to partake of laughter at one or more times in our life. That is something that is a commonality amongst all of us. It is just one more piece in the puzzle of finding togetherness and sameness in us all.
Thank you all for showing up and turning the pages in my life and reality. I hope you enjoyed this journey today into the craziness in my head and how I can cause laughter in your world. If you do enjoy; please like, share, follow, and comment. I hope your week is everything you can dream of and exactly what you want it to be.