The Voice I Never Was But I Am Today
Oh, my word. This week I truly must go to a place of pain way down inside my being to a soul full of misguided feelings and raw emotions. For a moment it was twisting and turning inside my body and wreaking havoc. I have spent the last thirty-six hours truly wanting to crawl out of my skin. I awaken today with the belief that I will pick up my weary soul and heart and let them have their necessary time front and center as I walk through the feelings I no longer want to carry. At the end of this tiny, but oh so heavy load I will rest knowing that I did the right things for the right reasons and shed the right amount of tears and sorrow as I let this event leave my body and soul and journey up to God with the proper Good-bye and send off.
In my life of active addiction (because most of my life was), there were things I heard but did nothing about. There were many things I kept my mouth shut about; that I would not stay muted in today. There was an event in my world that has been plaguing me for a couple of days now and my part in the history of the said event has now come to light. It would appear God thinks I am ready to take it on, own it, sort out the indirect amends and turn it all over to him. Although my keeping quiet when the person was small and I was hearing the rumors that I chose to ignore because that is what active addiction was all about; trying to find more things to stuff down and more ways and means to stay high and numb. Well, had I have said something there is no guarantee that the events that have transpired would have changed at all.
I let behaviors and rustling of bad behaviors go to the wayside. I did not use my voice for someone who really could have used my voice on their behalf many, many years ago. When this came to an abrupt halt a number of years ago; I was not ready and God did not show me what I was not ready for at that time. Today I am apparently ready and it is in front of me staring at me like the huge ball of thunder and lightning it wants to unleash onto me. I am visibly shaking inside and out and want to stop this madness (truth) from going any further and without crawling out of my skin.
When I think of my life today; there are people in front of me that God has chosen for me to have a second chance at doing the right things today. And today, I do them right. Today, I use my voice to give their voice a chance to be heard. I do not walk away from the wrongs today and leave others in the dust by themselves trying to get heard. I help them get heard and I am at least one voice that hears them.
Today I know that memories cannot hurt me, nor can I change history; however I can change today and be the person I am meant to be. I can be the person to say ‘I am truly sorry for not being your voice when you were small and your life was already being shaped into a person you have become today. I am truly sorry that the anger, pain, and loss you had to face as a child was left to you alone to carry. And I am truly sorry that the fear you carried alone should have not been.’ This is possibly the hardest piece I have had to write as I try to sort out feelings of right and wrong and ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’ feelings that I realize as I write; are ego driven and not a part of the real. I was powerless at many times in my life when today I don’t like that. It still bothers me a lot that I was that person because I am so not that person today. Today I am the champion for doing the next right thing and for the next right reason. I stand tall and proud of the absolute woman I am today. I am outspoken because I no longer have to keep quiet about things that hurt others. I am outspoken because today my voice does get heard and I like being in your (my trusted souls) corner and standing up for all that is good and all that is right. I am hearted, strong, independent, loyal and fierce. These are all the qualities that I once dreamed about but could never seem to achieve in my life, and then I get clean and they are a reality I am living fully every waking moment of my life. This self-talk is all a part of the processing I get to do today because there is nothing good that comes out of looking back at my life the way it was and thinking I am still that person.
After a couple of hours away with God and it has become clear why there are certain people showing up in my life that I am supposed to care about, love unconditionally, hear their hearts, believe in them without question, and be their voices when they cannot voice. This is my second chance to do things right and I will take this responsibility to heart and continue to do what I do best. That is kind of quirky as I write it and read it. In my active addiction I could do no right, however, in recovery, my best is paving ways and making lives feel the worthwhile they deserve to be. God has been very generous with presenting me with opportunities to do things over that I had done seriously bad the first time. With each one that comes along, I am reminded how much he loves me as he hands me a new canvas to set more things right again and again.
I am at peace with my past; finally, as I did not even realize that well below the surface lying in wait for the time I would be ready to process, forgive, and move forward without the baggage. All of this was weighing heavily on my soul and in my heart for a very long time. The release I feel is epic, and yet, there is still a tiny piece of me that wants to keep dragging this along with me and niggling at my back that I do not deserve to be without it. Isn’t that the irony of the whole situation? That even once I have given it to God and done my very best to accept and amend my ways; here I sit still wanting to hold on to that familiar feeling of less than and not deserving of. It truly is a remarkable brain and soul we have created within this life, and change, no matter how great, will still leave us for a moment with the want of the old familiar we know; not the foreign concept we do not. Even after the years of hard work I have put into living a better life and making better choices and being a better person; I will still take that moment to fall short of my own belief in where I should be and how I should have gotten here.
I want to keep with this feeling for just a moment longer as we look at this more closely. I know I am not alone in the thinking this way, but I do believe there are a lot of people out there who believe they are crazy and alone and no one could feel these ways, but you are wrong. I have changed one thing, being everything and yet I still go to that automatic drive-through where I know how to feel bad and less than and I can deal with that; but please do not ask me to think that I deserve to feel good and take pride in doing what some would say is ordinary, because that just does not wash in my books. What does happen differently today though, is that I do not stay in that place for very long. I now recognize it as it happens and refuse to treat myself with that same dreadful and hopeless belief. I remind myself of who I am today and how I live today and what I believe today.
There are those who scrape by with the merest of movement, doing no more than they have to. They put in ten and expect to receive ninety; they do not do any more than is an absolute necessity and call it doing their part. That is not who I am. I will put the eighty or ninety in and believe my life is worthy of that number. I do not think my life is built on ten percent of what I can do. My job of taking care of my life does not stop at my part; it stops when all that can be done is done.
So, here I sit, a day and a half later, although still feeling like I am processing all the events of last week; I am starting to feel the pieces falling into the place they belong and life is going to move forward and I can truly now feel at peace with my feelings and thoughts around this whole part of the past that I will continue to carry in my soul.
Somehow, this is more finite now as there have been fixed endings and realities of my life today that allow me to see why there are people showing up in my life and playing certain roles of importance there.
I so love that I can be such an important part of my life today, as there was a time when my life was not important to me at all. Today I get to feel things and work through things and be a part of something so much larger than myself. I get to be a part of the world and whatever that entails and looks like.
And although I am still a bit wobbly feeling in the arms and legs; I know that this too shall pass. Everything will pass today; good days, bad days, learning moments, and life-changing moments.
As we are at the end of this piece and I try to find another common trait we all as humans have; well, I feel like the shining star belongs to strength. We each share the trait of strength. Whatever the strength looks like to each of us may be very different, but we all have strength. We get out of bed every day and do our life either as we dictate or circumstances dictate, but we do get out of bed and do what we do.
I hope your week will become what it needs to be for you and that you give yourself a pat on the back for having the strength to make it what you will or at least get through to the other side. If you enjoyed this piece; please like, share, follow and comment. And until next week; believe in the you that you are.