My Yearly Moment
Here I sit, once again wondering how I got to where I am. Each and every year I come upon the day that my life became whole and free and worthwhile and real and I am humbled beyond my imaginations wildest dreams possible. For a month or so around this upcoming date, I get weepy and overwhelmed and grateful beyond anything I can truly explain, but I am going to try. I wake up with this aura around me and I am filled with awe and wonder. My heart seems to skip more beats and my hands seem to shake a tiny bit as I try and contain this feeling in my entire soul and being. As the days move on and the date gets closer I become questioning of my reality. Should I be here? Is this for real? Is this my life? The questions continue and the answers are never far behind, which just leads to more questions and more answers and the circle continues into the days ahead.
Although this sounds surreal and, well I just want to stop here for a moment and let you know that as I write this and my hands shake and I want to stop telling you how and why I feel as such because this will leave me so vulnerable and open and raw and personal. As per my past adventures; I will forge ahead and continue to write because that is what I do. Of this one thing, I am sure.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled show in progress, we will go.
My mind is going like a thousand miles an hour, wanting to make sure I encompass everything I am feeling while not writing about anything I am feeling. This is such a familiar feeling as the same thing happens each and every year as I come upon another year alive and clean and it comes into focus and gets closer.
My life, well that in itself is a sentence all by itself as today I get to have a life. Today I get to live and love and be loved and hurt and laugh and cry and be overwhelmed. You see, my life was supposed to be over almost nine years ago. I was supposed to be dead. I was trying so hard to make that happen at the end of that last chapter; I truly was. But today and this year I am ready to admit one tiny truth that never have I allowed to surface until now. I wanted the easy way out. My constant and daily trying to end my life was only with one course of action. I wanted to control the when and how of my death. It had to be by Russian roulette of pills and crack and pot and alcohol. I did not try to kill myself by stabbing or cutting or getting shot or shooting myself. I hated and feared pain that bad; that I needed to die in a very fall asleep and not wake up plan of action. I hated pain and the thought of dying that way; well I chose the way I was going to leave this life.
Now, having put his on paper, it may have seemed a cowardly way of doing things; but I kid you not when I say this was a hard way to end it. I had no clue that it would work or when it would work and yet I kept trying every day and every night with prayers to a God to please take me. I remember the feelings I had every morning that I woke up alive and still in so much pain in my heart and soul. I remember like it was yesterday how overwhelmed and angry and sad and defeated that I would have to do this all over again this next day and night. I remember looking in the mirror at this tiny defeated soul who just wanted to go home, but home wouldn’t take me. I would look up at God and ask why? Why won’t you love me enough to take me up with you? That question still brings tears to my eyes as I remember exactly how I felt at those moments. I felt like even God hated me. I certainly hated me and I felt like he did too. And then I would pray for him to love me just enough to put me out of my misery and take my pain away and let me die. I can remember vividly how much I needed him to let me go and bring me home. I can still shudder and tear up as I feel those old feelings come over me.
And now, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that God did not take me home back then. That he saw this picture I call my life today and that he wanted me to get to here. That he loved me that much, to patiently wait out my pain and deaths wishes, and hung on to me so tight to get me here when I was supposed to be here. I have never felt the feeling of being loved by my Greater Power as I do now, every day in my recovery.
I have gotten to a place to understand and truly believe that each step I have taken in my whole life is exactly what I needed to do to get here today. Each and every step of happiness, dread, pain, sorrow, laughter, love is what brought me to my life today. To wish for a change of any thought or movement would have made for a very different today. Whether better or worse does not matter, what matters is that I get to wake up every day with a lighter step and freer soul. My life has such meaning today and the small things that I sweat are the addict behaviors that will not kill me or render me useless or senseless.
The toilet paper may very well go on only one way and that is my right way, the towels in the kitchen and bathroom may have to be on the racks in a certain way which again is the ‘my right way’, and countless other things that try my days and cause me to lose sleep at night because they are not my right way; but I awake in the morning with another day to find a moment of wonder. One more day is given to me today. Today I get to arise and open my eyes and look into today’s future. I will look as I do every day, to find one moment that is worthy of being here for and most days I am lucky enough to find many by the day’s end. For a girl who shouldn’t (didn’t want to) be alive; these are grateful years and miraculous moments that I am living.
My life is finally my fairy tale with a happy ending. It may not be Cinderella’s life or Snow White’s life, but it is my fairy tale. I have a real man in my life and we love and take care of each other. I have the most amazing job that I get to attend every day from Monday to Friday and work with the best staff I could ever ask for. I get to love people and be loved by people. Family, friends, and acquaintances get a person with morals, ethics, and heart. I have come to realize what truly matters. I have come to be the person I always dreamed I could be but never thought I would be. I have come to understand fun, laughter, heart, and soul are the important make-up’s to wear and trust and loyalty are the dress codes I adhere to today. My life is now complete. Anything beyond today is just one more miracle in my play called life. December 5 is my nine year Anniversary and as with each year that comes along, I am grateful beyond my wildest dreams.
I truly hope you have enjoyed the read today and must apologize for my lapse of late. I signed up for the weekly blog and have been out of sorts of late. I am feeling back on target and in the game to now do what I said I was going to do. I am back with all the sarcasm, fun loving, heart wrenching, and truth-filled pieces going forward. Thank you for your patience with me during this lapse.
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