The CHANGE In My Life Today
I am sitting next to another weekend and the Sunday piece as I ponder what I want to talk about this week. What is coming to mind fairly quickly is CHANGE. I put this in capital letters because of two things. One is that I detest the act as it is happening and the other is the fact that it feels like a curse word in the highest phenomenon it can be. I don’t like change, I abhor change and I look at it like it is the dreaded monster coming out of my closet in the middle of the night. It looms large, causes me to break out in hives (well they at least feel like it) and leaves me wary of my entire life and the people in it. Have I made it seem as large as what it feels? I believe I have.
As I sit here, not wanting to tell you how I really feel about change; well, you know I am going to go there anyway. Fears are not something I allow into my heart, soul, and life today. Fears are just an opportunity to walk through something to the other side where freedom lays in wait. I am so blessed today to be the strong person I always was, but today I get to be that in the healthiest ways. As you and I are reading, we can see the ease with which I can delve into a whole other topic from the one I ‘didn’t’ want to talk about. I am so masterful in that way. So, as per usual, we will circle back to the task at hand.
Okay, so here I sit once again with a change in front of me; about to happen in my life once more and I don’t want to like it. I honestly know that at the end of this latest transformation I will be the better for it but I still have to sit for a moment and allow the big bad wolf to enter into my sights and thoughts. It is absolute insanity that even after this fair bit of time in recovery I still react to certain things (feelings) the same way I always have. The changes taking place in my life at this moment are definitely a most positive addition to my life as it will give me better tools to deal with stresses and anxious moments in my life. It amazed me that with all the recovery and hard work I have done that I still do not know how to accept and alleviate these things before they start wreaking havoc on the inside of my body. I still carry within me a double-sided coin when it comes to mental health. Check this one out and have your chuckles for sure. I am the most compassionate and empathetic when it comes to accepting your issues; mine however not so much. I have managed to ask for help and still think that this makes me weak. I have thought that if I can clean my house then I am well enough to go to work. If I can laugh at something funny then I can go to work. I will completely stand behind and beside each and any of you (the world) going through such trying times, yet I am a weak person if I go through the same issues I backed you for. How insane is that thinking? How wrong is that thinking?
Well, I am going to tell you how wrong and insane that thinking is right now. I have come to the realization that I too can have mental health issues and be very worthy of myself backing and standing beside me. I have come to the realization that I can be just as worthy of my empathy and compassionate side as I give to you. And finally, I have come to the realization that today I have learned how to be okay needing help sorting out the mess upstairs in my head and being okay to sit still and let myself learn how to take care of me with total support from me as I navigate this new change within and on the outside of me without feeling bad that I get to do this. That is the key that took a bit to realize.
Today I actually love the I that can be this vulnerable with the people I am closest to and me, as well. Of course, all of you out there in the world reading my posts as well. For a moment I wanted to know what you each thought of this post as you read it, but that did not last very long as I remembered this blog is about all the truths and life and honesties and craziness inside my head. This is a barely a small crumb in the ways and means I find myself navigating my boat through the waterways of my brain. Don’t you just love the analogies I find along the way to use? I swear they just appear on the pages as I am typing.
That brings me to another quick topic change. Do you (the world) even know that most of these pieces are written in a total of a very short time once I get started? I am being so serious. I will start a piece and drop it for a moment; only to realize that is not where we are going today. I will put the said piece down and start another one and do it in a very quick and easy (hahaha) amount of time. The quick is very true; however the easy is far from the truth. Some can be very easy, like the ones written with sarcasm and for the funny. The hearted ones are harder, but very enlightening and freeing once I hit send. I probably, on any given week; have at least six topic pieces on the go and awaiting the right mood and time to hit me.
Again, to circle back to the change word and all its heavy breathing and fire it has leaving my body; well, I have learned a new skill already earlier this week. I can change the power associated with the change of the moment. I can recognize it, be okay with it; and take its power away from it by realizing the worst case scenario is still not that bad and there I go, able to smash the change on the head and send it veering into the galaxy. I have already been able to use this enough this week to warrant it has earned its way into my heart and head.
As I sit here, ready to sign off this piece and send it to bed ready for publication; I am left feeling very relaxed and free from. The irony and end of this last statement is very free from me. Today I am no longer holding myself hostage within the large and looming word CHANGE. Today I can take the capital letters away and replace it with the normal everyday change.
I will close with this thought for each and every one of you. If you could change one thing in your head from the large and foreboding monster it has become into a manageable mouse in the corner; would you be okay with letting the familiar pain be released, or would you continue to put the monster cookies out? Food for thought and thought for food. Enjoy the week and make it every bit as important as you need it to be.
As always, if you enjoyed the read; please like, share, follow and even comment. I do read all comments posted.