My Good Control Is Kicking In
I am sitting here looking at a blank page, wondering where we will go this week. There are so many topics and so little time to cover them all. Well, it looks like I am going to go somewhere deep and full of feeling as I am already avoiding selecting the topic. I so love when we get to have these deep and raw emotional conversations. There is something very intimate between you and me when I take you on these journeys through my heart and soul. So let’s do this…
It would seem that I have two floating to the top emotions right now. The first is that I have dropped to a place in my life where I really do not understand how to process stress; as has been pointed out very fervently by my body’s reaction and my head’s response to that reaction. It would seem that all the years in recovery has placed me ‘flat on my ass’ (seriously, the technical term) as I am left hanging in the tree like a monkey with one arm looking at the bananas just out of reach. Oh good lord I love my sense of mental images we will never forget. Now, let’s leave that monkey to sort their little issue out and continue along with my little issue. At the start of this part of my trip through the gullies and valleys of my working mind; I was so overwhelmed with the out of control feelings this entire person was emitting. I literally felt like I was drowning without the water. I was ill at ease, to say the least, of this rampant running away from my body to find somewhere safe and yet there did not seem to be anywhere safe to go.
At this point, I am going to let in on a little secret known by few. I have just a bit (bigger than life) of a control issue. Let me explain so that you may understand this little issue of which I speak. My day runs well when everyone in it that day speaks the lines I gave them and nothing more or less. My day continues to run well when all parties involved have done the things I have asked and are where I have told them to be at any given time that day. My day continues on to run well when I do not forget my own lines or veer off course or try to change anything. So, as you can read; my day is at the hands of a tyrant with OCD issues to boot. Welcome to my head on any given day at any given moment. And, it truly is a fun time here today as we speak.
So, I saw my Psychologist yesterday and I told her some of my story and she told me about the therapies that she works within. Now, most of what she said went over my head in the not needing to know as my job is to provide her with the work needed to be done on me so she can earn her paycheck (just kidding). Anyway, one thought she spoke of did not go in one ear and out the other. Surprisingly enough we are going to do some work around not always doing the next right thing (I have fears here) and about exercises to slow the head down and not internalizing stress and more and more and more. When I left her office; I have to say I was a bit overwhelmed, but not in a bad way. It was more in a curious and positive moment in my life where I get to learn more about helping my head, body and soul to live more in sync with each other as opposed to the running rampantly and without cause or reason that I do now. It is an interesting concept although I did mention I have tried a wide variety of things to date; I was certainly open to getting to know anything that will help me not to go back to that painful and dark place I found myself in a tiny bit ago.
The realizations of needing control in my life to keep it uncomplicated and structured have far surpassed the original reason for putting this in place and gone on to create even worse issues in my head and soul. This is okay, it truly is. It is just one more way I get to understand me and how I work. It is a chance to allow me to do caring and loving for me. I love being able to learn ways to heal parts that have not healed and move forward with new tools to enhance my life. What more could I ask for than that? It is freeing and energizing and uplifting when I realize that certain circumstances will no longer continue to wreak havoc with me; that I will have new ways to quiet the hamster when she gets her groove on and decides to party in my head.
Now, because I always look for the positive and try to live in solutions and be just a little bit better than yesterday; well. Here we go. I am getting rested and that leaves me with more energy and sanity to delve into these matters at work in my life. I am getting the professional help I deserve to find ways and means to continue along my chosen path with all the energy this ‘chick’ normally has. And finally, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable and raw and know that I am still strong as ever while doing this. And there is definitely a period at the end of that sentence.
I did start this piece about my minor (major constellations for sure) control issues. There is a lot of positive to be said about having control in one’s life and I think we will look at those things now. I actually just looked this up online and it took me to ‘when being a control freak is good for you’. I am going to continue reading and take out of it what suits me and my case, because, well you know why… because I am a control freak. Okay, so to sum up my recollection of what I read follows in point form.
- I need to control my stress and that will do me well.
- I need to focus entirely on me.
- I can mold myself and get rid of clutter (chaotic people) and that will help me.
- I can get rid of the ‘control freak’ part of that sentence above by focusing more on me.
Really, that is what I got out of it. It is all about me and my control. So, I am thinking I may get to keep this control freak thing as I do so want to keep control in my arsenal of usable weapons against humanity at large. Now, knowing and reading that this is a good thing; well there is no stopping me now. I truly have created a monster within the monster. Just one more ‘personality’ to deal with on the daily and I am happy, maybe; as long as she is not going to take up too much time as I do detest clingy and demanding among my personalities.
On this note, I am going to say thanks for spending your time with me on this adventure called my life. I do hope that I am living up to everything you could have imagined I would be and more than you could have ever hoped for. This is certainly a time when my heart, soul, mind, and body come together and collaborate jointly in the writing. It is always full of… pain, joy, sorrow, exhilaration, energy, warmth, and a bit of sarcasm to round out the orbit.
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I will leave you with a thought to ponder your week over. If we could all take just one moment and do and be whatever we liked and it was the same moment for all of us; think how amazing the world would look and feel for that moment. I am blessed as I truly get to be and do whatever I like each and every day. Enjoy even just one moment this week being whatever and doing whatever you like; just one moment.