My Nightmares And Loopy Daymares
Welcome to my life. I am the open book I always have been; just a little bit crazier and a lot less insecure. Today I can laugh at me, only because I may as well; everyone else is anyway. No, seriously I can laugh at myself today and enjoy the acts of my life.
So, I bit my lower lip today. And not the sexy kind of chew on the bottom lip you see in movies. No, I bit the inside of my bottom lip hard enough that it swelled just enough to look like I got smacked in the mouth. Sexy? Not even in my nightmares and ‘daymares’.
And now, welcome to this week’s rants of raves. As I sit here contemplating what will be the topic ‘de jour’; I am left with nothing but gratitude and all in gratitude. You see, on Tuesday I will celebrate eight years of living clean. Out of just for today, I have added enough of them to gracefully (If you know me I know you are laughing now) get to eight years. I have struggled, forced, dug, kicked and screamed my way through the days to get to here. Am I proud? You bet I am. Am I tired? Some days I am exhausted with this life I call mine today.
What kept me coming back and staying clean follows this sentence. You see, at every corner of every day God gave me one more miracle and one more person to help me stay and give me the need to stay. I have not gotten back all of the people in my life as of today, but I have gotten back all the ones I am supposed to have back so far. I have not done all that I wanted with my life, but I have done all that I am supposed to do so far. I have done everything I am supposed to have and realized everything I am supposed to have to this date. Today I can assuredly feel and have faith that everyone who is supposed to come into my life or come back to my life will do this in God’s time, not mine.
After years of fighting and crying and praying and begging and thinking God doesn’t love me the way he loves others; well those feelings are gone. In place of those feelings is the secure knowledge and faith that God has a so much better plan than I ever could have had for my life. How do I know this? It is simply because I could never have imagined myself so rich in my life. My riches aren’t money because money is not riches. My riches are the important people in my life like original family, extended family, new family, friends, partner, and above all else me. Yes, I did say me. I spent most of my life in hatred and pained by me. I did not believe in myself, like myself or see anything good from the start or end of my name attached. Today I love myself and believe in myself. I love that I get to live today. I get to make choices, which is something I have never been able to do in my life. It was always I have to do what had to be done to numb the pain for one more minute of one more day. Today I am not afraid of pain or feeling it. I don’t like it but I can walk through it without fear of it. It is a different kind of pain today. It only comes from the loss of people that are important to me and doing things that I know are not the right next thing.
What just came to mind is ‘I am woman, hear me roar.’ I certainly am woman and I certainly do roar on occasion. There is so much left to do and at the same time so much I do not have to do. Sometime’s these things can get mixed up and even be one and the same. My life is full, it is busy, it is more than I think I can handle sometimes; and then God will look down and tell me not to sell myself short. I did that most of my life. And once again, I do not have to do that today. Today I can sell myself to me instead of others. If you think that is wrong, let me explain this to you from my point of view.
You see, most of my life was spent in sales and telephone sales. I did very well and exceeded most of the goals set for me. However, because I was in such writhing pain and hatred of me, it was easy to sell myself to you for the things that would make that pain go away for just a moment. The vision of truth today is that the only one I sell myself to today is me. It is a prideful thing that allows me to sleep better at night.
My mind is all over the place as it is every year around this time. The Anniversary of my clean date is a very close to my heart and always seems to bring up feelings and send me kind of loopy for the month around this date. I actually welcome it as it is just a reminder of acceptance of me today.
We, loopy me is going to put this one to bed a little shorter than I normally do. If you enjoy the chronicles of my life; please don’t hesitate to like, share, follow and comment. And, if like me you are a little loopy too; then feel free to join me in the ‘loopy are us’ meeting in the middle of every month rain or shine. Our motto is ‘If you can loop it, we can loopy it more.’ It is a potluck and usually, we have not quite enough food, so someone is obviously shorting the loopy fest. If you are on the entertainment committee, please remember it is not always my job to provide my life as a lesson in loopiness. Everyone must do their part. Enjoy the week.