The Ultimate Betrayal Or Not
Today is one of hurt, anger, and reminders. It is going to be about forgiveness so I can move forward and be free; not a damn thing about the betrayal at hand. For, yesterday, once again I was reminded of the not so recovery oriented persons and the havoc they can wreak when allowed entering even the sidelines of my life. To me and for me, there are the ultimate codes we need to follow in our lives. They are the girl codes and guy codes. They are the ultimate chosen and never a happy ending in the lives of both the betrayed and the betrayer. For the girl, the code is the ever-present never going behind your back and choose the guy. These are behaviors we live in active addiction and change in recovery to trust women and protect each other.
Having said that; in active addiction, the consequence would be swift and painful with ostracizing being absolutely necessary, but in recovery, I get to sit back and know that karma is a good thing in my life today. I don’t have to see it, hell I don’t have to hear about it. What I get to do today is know it and go on with my life knowing that she will get hers. Do I take pleasure in that; well yes I do. I cannot lie and don’t even want to lie. I will take pleasure.
What amazes me is that these sorts of things still tend to go on with select women. It is like they don’t even care about all pain we have endured at the hands of men and other women. It is like they are now partially a man, maybe. Having said that, what comes to mind is maybe these women are also fans of Trump and racist, as well. But, I divert from the primary task at hand.
The task today is to walk through this pain and anger and let it go and give to my greater power because today I get to do that with these things. Today, I get to make choices when these actions are visualized and happen. Today, I get to choose who is in my life and who does not get to be anywhere near my much-guarded life I live. I work very hard to keep only people around me I can trust. When that changes, I am left to look real hard at all the others in my life and re-evaluate them. It leaves me filled with sadness that I have to do that but determined to protect me each and every day.
What I do know today is that this cannot kill me, only wound the open heart I gave. I want to not feel, but that only leaves me with regret and anguish to soothe the ache and sadness. I seem to have changed from the girl who came into recovery trusting no one and believing nothing. She had this tiny thought that if this could work she would get to live, and if it did not; maybe God would finally let her die. With the pain encompassing and squeezing the life out of my heart and soul each and every minute; it did not seem that it could get any worse. It did not. I started trusting others a bit and myself a bit and things got just a little bit better. The longer I stayed the easier it got to trust and then the harder it got again as I allowed people into my heart and then they left me or hurt me or made me cry. And, as people relapsed around me and got to live or did not get to live and others did not do the next right things and their lives stayed the same; I was left to sort out a whole new kind of pain and larger fear. If I did not want to be one of the people relapsing, I had better be one of the people working their asses off to stay here in recovery. If I did not want to continue with the life I had up to that point; I had better be one of the people changing and doing the next right thing. And finally, if I did not want to be one of those people on the other side of recovery, I had better be one of those people who made sure each and every day to make the commitment to stay. I did those things and became one of those people whose life changed and got better, who became strong enough to tackle and withstand the pain of loss when others left and withstand the pain I felt when others tried to hurt me. I became strong enough to understand that not everyone comes here to get better, to stay clean, or even to stay alive. I became real enough to care.
So…….. at the end of this exercise and a day of reflection the inside healing begins. I can be proud of the fact that I did believe in someone and wanted to help them and did try to help them. I can be happy with the fact that the way they chose to repay that kindness was not the way that I would have. I can be incredibly grateful that I did not think of using at any part of this fork in the path. I am keeping it in the I and me for I am the one who will have to live through this without harboring any long-term ill effects of the deception and hurtful ways of another. Again, I will repeat to myself; I am proud of offering to help and then helping. I am happy to have not let this experience turn me into something or one I do not want to be. Don’t get me wrong, there were the screaming matches at my house as I released anger verbally at the walls, floors, God, and my husband as I tried to process the unthinkable. Am I totally over it and fully processed? Absolutely not! This, like anything else that is an event, will take time and patience. For today though, I feel the warmth that this chapter is over and I can move through and past.
As I leave you for this week; I am going to try and bring a smile to my face and yours, because most of us have had this type of event going on in our lives at one time or another. Today, you and I woke up with the feeling that this too shall pass and watch it start to pass. For a moment today, there were rainbows and unicorns in my eyes dancing. I bet you can see them in yours now, too. Why do I pick unicorns and rainbows, you may ask. I may very well answer with the following. A small child many years ago, long before life got mean, painful, and lonely fell in love with the horse with the golden horn in the middle of its head. And rainbows, well they were the slide to get away from all the bad in her and around her. And throughout her life, from time to time, someone would come into her life and remind her of her loves by using one or the other to encase a gift that was not the center of attention. It was the unicorn or rainbow. To this day, I have yet to meet someone who hates or can’t stand unicorns and rainbows. If this thought does not make you smile; then please find the picture that makes you smile. Mine just happens to be unicorns and rainbows.
Thanks for sticking around and continuing to read my posts and for sticking with me through the lapses that have had to be worked through. They have passed and we will now meet every week for heart and soul talks or sarcasm and slight of tongue shares or strength and growth healing. If you do continue to enjoy; please like, share, follow and comment. I post the comments when you do and love to read them. This week, let’s all look for unicorns and rainbows and find the pleasure looking for them will bring us.