The Me And My Devil
It is going to be all about fun for the next bit and some. And today, class and attending readers, it is going to be all about the devil I think I am versus the devil I know I am.
Allow me to start the explanation with knowing exactly what I am doing. You see, I believe there is very much a positive side and sight of knowing who I am and what I am. I am the nicest, snappiest, clearly truthful version of myself, and a crazy mix of minds. I am what I am and I know who that is today. Sarcasm used to get me through fearful moments, self-conscious hours, and days of following the unwritten rule with strife. But I am past all that; stronger and better and wiser and older are all now leaving me with the ‘me’ I have always wanted to be. Just ‘me’ and sarcasm for the sake of sarcasm and wit for the sake of it is what is left after removing all the extra layers of my outer shell. And today I am the me that I should fear, the me I should back slowly away from, the ever-present me that I can be today or tomorrow if you please.
And today, I am the wonder of words, the keeper of fates and charm, and the Omni of expressionism. But do not let that fool you into thinking I am easy or always sugar with a cherry on top. In honest ways, I ate the cherry while you weren’t looking and the sugar I already ate and didn’t tell you about became a mixture of baking soda and salt. The visual looks good and that is what this is all about today. The wit and sarcasm that is me today; would be the answer to the question ‘who is the Queen of Funny in my world today, for $1,000.00 Alex?’
I know you out there in reality land or sanity land might think I am writing this amusement for you about me, but you would be ever so wrong. I write this for many reasons on many different days. For instance…
Today I will be serious for a moment. I most recently came to the understanding of a tiny piece of my history that had become a large and overwhelming piece of my past. The short version of the story is there was a moment in my past where I was held hostage for a lifetime; in actual fact, it was a long and never-ending twelve hours. I carried shame with it and anger with it and from there brought it into today with me the one holding myself hostage into the recent today. I did know I had this comment, almost like an accusation on the tip of my tongue; spewing out of my mouth with venom and rage would be the more accurate description for what it honestly was. It filled me with rage every time I felt like someone was holding something of mine or parts of me hostage. I would want to rip the shirt from around my neck because I would feel like I couldn’t breathe like I was choking.
Recently, I was to see what this was in my reality that is today and was an ability to release the demon from within. It almost felt like coming off drugs again. I was overwhelmed, shaking, wanting to run and hide, and although the most natural thing might have been to want to use; this was not the case. Instead, what I did do was be honest and open with two someones very important to me and slept like a baby for many hours at the end of that day. It amazes me the process I have to go through and the timing involved as more and more of my life dissects itself each and every day. I truly know that I was not ready to see this, understand this, or move past this before now. Had I have been ready before; I surely would have seen discovered it way back in another day and time.
Now, to wake up only a few days after this fact not feeling these impending feelings of not being able to breathe or not getting enough air into my lungs as I looked at the latest event that would have rendered me powerless as I felt like I could get no air and nobody would protect me from this horrifying and overwhelming feeling of being lost at sea by myself and nobody knows I am lost. Instead, I get to choose to feel safe and protected by me. I choose to not feel those feelings, but to instead feel free of a situation that was not working and sad for the reason it was not working and powerless over other people’s choices. And, at the end of that sentence is a period. I do like the periods at the end of sentences; I really do. They then become complete thoughts of their own and awaiting no one else’s input or even not awaiting my own input to change the subject or take away from the topic, theme, or action of the story.
So, it would seem I went off on another tangent for a brief period of time. I am back now and focused on the task at hand which is to amuse me and you at the expense of the crazy workings between my ears. About the devil I think I am versus the devil I know I am; is for sure a loaded gun ready to go off at any moment. However, those of you who know me already understand that this is me in a nutshell anyway. And for those of you who don’t know me; feel free to tread the waters very gingerly and be aware that minefields are filled with mines. I know ‘mine’ is.
Here is me in a nutshell and I use the term ‘nut’ shell very loosely. When I wake up in the morning; I am the same as you and you and you. I put my pants on one leg at a time and do the same rituals as you do. Shower, teeth, grooming and the entire ready for this day’s duties are the same. Unfortunately for you, that is where the common denominators end and I begin. While you are having your first coffee and breath; I am on number two coffee and wondering whose life will be my focus for the day. If it is yours, we are all having a good day, maybe for the most part. If it is mine, well that is another whole entirely different day and story. The visual for this follows and is to the best of my ability a real show.
If the focus is on my life the script follows with the most honesty I can muster. I pick the one thing I want to deal with today out of the many (hundreds) of things rattling around up there on any given day. It is a chore we will say I choose today. Now, I am in that mode and now anyone close to me (my husband) is fair game, because in my head if I am going to get things done he has now become one of the things I get done. I am sure by this time he has seen the halo of hell spinning above my head(s) and wishes he could run away. When I enter the same room as him I can see the tension in his body coil and all he can say is ‘Yes?’ That is enough of an introduction for me to list the one thousand (three) things that he is behind on. Next is the let me get down to the office and get some paper to write all of this down so I do not forget even one of his one thousand (three) things he is behind on. In my head, I am not the one with chores to do and I do purposely pick this item often because it is a very popular one at my house. And to put the cherry on top of my massive banana split; I make sure when I do select this item from the hat; that there is nothing on my list for me to personally do.
Now, I know that you may think things are rosy and sweet and all warm and cuddly at our house; and you would be right about one-tenth of the time. The other nine-tenths are me running my hamster wheel, tiring out anyone who is near and far. On the plus side, I smirk (laugh until I am crying); who am I kidding; there is no plus side to a minefield. There are just the days when no one steps on a mine and sets the crazy old lady off.
I think this is where I will leave you for today. Thank you for coming out and playing with me for just a little while. Actually, I can only take you in small batches anyway. See you next week; same time and the same place and we will once again check out the minefield once again. If you enjoyed the read; please like, share, follow and comment.