Until One Thought Changed
And here it is Sunday morning and I feel I am at a loss of what to talk about. Who would have thought this of me, really? So, I do know the drill to get past this moment and I am already starting to write the feelings and moments down.
I feel sort of beside myself and alone at the same time. There are things going on I do not want to be a part of or even know about; because that whole drama thing is so far in my past where I was so incredibly happy to leave it. It is that repeat and repeat and repeats again, hoping something will change this time although neither one nor the other person involved has changed anything. Just to be as clear as I can, if nothing changes then nothing will change. As we get to witness once and again and again and yet again. Does there not get to some point where one does not stop and utter to themselves, this is enough; I don’t want to feel this crazy pain anymore? Because, let me tell you, the rest of us are certainly there. We do not want to witness, be a part of, go with you, or sit beside the chaos that is your life. Enough said? I am thinking probably not. If history is anything to go by; then this play will continue to the groundhog day of your life.
There was a time when I was there and doing the exact same thing time and time again, like a broken record I could not throw out. But nothing was changing so nothing in the script changed, and every day was a repeat of yesterday and tomorrow would be the same. Until one day, when we changed the lines and the minute following that changed and the hour changed and the day finally changed. No more groundhog day for us. It was a relief I cannot even begin to try and explain. It was a momentous moment in the play called our lives. It left me feeling that maybe this could work and we could be. But, only if that one thought and two words changed to change the rest of the video play out.
I have so been there thinking the other was wrong and even though they probably were; that was not going to allow anything to differ or remove or grow. And one day, I realized it didn’t matter that I was right and they were wrong; what mattered is who was willing to start the change. And that became me, and the movie played differently and the ending was different and it didn’t really matter who changed what; it mattered that a line and a thought had changed. That chapter has now grown into the book of our lives; wiser for the knowledge, better for the change, and stronger for the growth.
Back before that happened though was the constant poor me’s, the wanting to run’s, and the never ending over and over and over again’s. The biggest and saddest and angriest at you all were all on the table as each blamed the other for all that they did and did not do’s. There were a constant draining and electric filled air that let the world know this was not a place to be near. And the struggles were real and the pain filled our souls and we could not see past the ends of our fingers with the fog filled days. It was thick and loud and blinding and deafening. Until one day when one thing changed. Just one was all it took to change the events and outcome of our lives.
I have come to that part where I need to walk away for a bit because that all too familiar feeling of uncomfortable in my own skin and it is crawling and I want out. It still amazes me that when I get to that vulnerable place that I don’t want to share because I just don’t want the world to know how I felt or what I felt. My solution today is to stop for a minute and do something else and come back to this later today. I will bow out to this now.
And here I am back and still not wanting to complete this piece and post it because you will all see and read my most personal and private moments. However, today I get to rise above these challenges and move forward within them. I think the rambling will cease now.
So, back to the one thing being all that needs to change. To date, I have watched this happen in my life over and over and over again. There have been some big changes at some points that had to change, but the start was always a small one word or thought or even look that would change the word or thought or look that came behind it. It always started with one small something. There were the moments when for the love of … all that is … within….. For #@#@ sakes and @$#@# that came shining through and could not be altered or changed because I still believe there are those moments when nothing but a four letter word will do. It becomes about the release before the calm can settle, about getting the anger out before I can face the light of day, and about clearing my air before I can breathe in fresh air. But, once that is done; I can look and feel and do the next right thing that has to be done.
So, now I watch others go through similar but different challenges. Similar in the way that they are struggling with right and wrong, wanting things to go their way, or fighting to save something that is better left behind. What I have to come to know and see is that if I have to fight against something or someone to make something happen; I am not making the right choice or decision. However, if we are struggling to the same end and it is just a challenge to get there, that to me is just life on life’s terms. That is usually worth the struggle to get to the end.
And if honesty is used; I know when what I want is right or wrong long before it becomes a fight to the death or a stubborn well, got this far and have to play it out. We use things like it could work out; I may just have to work for it a little more, and nothing worth having is not a fight. The difference I see is how I have to make it happen. If it is the right path and road I know; I feel it. We all have the same feelings even though we may call them different things.
My belief and mine alone are ‘A hard life is a life of wrong choices, bad decisions, and never learning from our errors. A reasonable life is, for the most part doing what we know is the right thing for the most part, but still needing to do some things our way as well. The good life is that feeling every day knowing why I am here and doing the next right thing always to further that fantastic feeling of peace.’ I strive for the latter but usually, end up in the middle which is pretty good for the most for the most part.
Well, here we are at the end of another glorious piece of my better than average life and beliefs. I hope you continue to read, like, share, and comment on my life stories. They are always real and ever honest. Enjoy the week if that is what you wish to do.