My Point Of No Return
And where will I go today? Should I start at the point of no return? This is sounding good to me.
I believe there is a point of no return in anything we start. For instance, there was a point in my childhood where I knew I could not turn back; when the child hood was over and the adulting had started. It did not happen in the normal way that these things can happen. For me, it started at the point when I was young and my mother would tell me I was the oldest and it was my job to set a good example for my younger siblings, her children. So, at thirteen I knew that I was at a point of no return, my childhood was for all intensive purposes, over. I found I was pregnant at seventeen and when that happened I knew there was no turning back to being a teenager ever again. However, in my active addiction, I tried to pretend I still was a teenager. I managed to fool myself into making a fool out of myself.
Then the next was my first marriage and that got to the point of no return. I forced that to get to that point so I could leave and begin the next point of no return. In my life to date, everything and every change or event have been preceded by a noteworthy point of no return. Bridges had to be burned, lives had to be lost, standing alone had to be done and everything taken to the point of no return. It was how I was able to move so secretly onto the next phase, stage, hope, or dream; without allowing anyone to see my pain. I learned at a very young age how to be the chameleon and how to have a poker face. I learned never to let anyone know what I was thinking or how I felt. My life depended on it. Doing my life this way allowed me to not carry the guilt, shame, or pain from this to there. Or so I thought until I got into recovery. But, during active addiction all these moves and pains and lives and deaths allowed me to convince myself that I deserved to use a lot and want to die eventually.
Once in recovery, I actually started doing the same thing but for very different reasons and outcomes. I was not even privy to my working this way. Yet, when I think back to earlier days and new in recovery I remember knowing I had to burn my using days ways, l had to lose the lives that had been my back up and saviors I kept in the wings, I had to stand with others and not alone, to stay in this world I had entered. I knew enough about me to know that if I gave myself permission to be the chameleon or hang onto anyone of anything; I would go back and finish what I had started. I did not need anyone to tell me these things; I had already told myself and instinctively knew. There could be no openings in the wall I had built between me and my past because if there were, I would crawl my way back into that world. I glued and stapled and boarded and painted it the black it was and would be of my past. It had to be secure and strong and I had to be ever on guard to not let one thought or word or memory flood through. I would have to do whatever it took to stay in the rooms and stay clean. And I found out as time went by that the black wall of my past could come down and I learned how to accept what had happened and all I did and I forgave myself and others and it became no longer scary or deathly, merely a very tortured and pain lived soul. But, to get here I had to go there and do that and learn how to protect myself from the hells and fury and games and my past. So, I went to the point of no return.
Once I got through the beginning, there I was once again creating a point of no return. This time it was the addict in my head that went there. This time I was to know that should I go to the places that others could or try and do the things that others did or even thought the things that others outside the rooms did; I would try and be them or best them and die. So, I woke up with the solution that worked for me. I told myself every day that if I used one, just one drug I would die right then and there. I told myself that until I knew I would make it happen. Today, this point of no return heeds me well. Today, I truly believe that is what I would do without question. And, this new belief was just one more point of no return to take me forward.
My starting this today was to look at points of no return. And on that note, I will continue. Everything in my life I do with the outcome that there is no return, no turning back, no fail safe button. This has and continues to allow me the freedom to be passionate, the wisdom to believe in me, and the strength to do it all over the exact same way again tomorrow. What I have learned in my lifetime is that this is who I am. I am the me who I can believe in and trust with my Gods at my side. I have struggled with the whole ‘higher power’ and have come to believe that my Gods both walk with me and although greater than me; they are guiding me and protecting me and loving me with unconditional love and everlasting strength. For me, a power greater than myself does not mean they have to be above me and I choose to believe that both my Gods walk with me every minute of every day. They work in unison and guard me against harm while protecting me and allowing me to be the person I am today.
And while I still believe in points of no return; it has become less and less that I need to do that for me. I realized a while back a phenomenal gift that I have been given. Actually, I believe we all have it but we do not all choose to recognize or believe or trust it. IT IS THE NEXT RIGHT THING! If I do the next right thing, the next right thing can and will be done. A few years ago some things went really well and I started doing things and making decisions based on my own personal gains. Trust me; the next wrong things happened when I did the next wrong things. I will be taking care of righting those decisions for a while yet and rightfully so. Why may you ask? When I did the next right thing the next right thing happened. I got to see the patterns in myself and others and watch up close and personal what happened when I and others did the next right thing and when we did the next wrong thing. I stopped doing the next wrong thing because I wanted the next wrong thing to stop. I started doing the next right thing and low and behold my life started changing for the good and great.
I actually live today with the thought always with every decision I make every day knowing one way is wrong and the other is right. It is becoming second nature to automatically think before I act and make sure it is the next right thing. And then, low and behold when I do that; the next right thing happens and I am so much more content in my life and my spirit and soul.
And on this note, I bring to close another little tidbit in the mega millions I have learned and realized along the way and path of my life. I must say I have missed writing and unraveling my life to the universe and beyond. I must admit that this needs to be a priority in my life again. But, for today, I am here and this is now.
I hope you enjoy the read. If you do, please like and share my website and even comment, if the mood so strikes you. I hope your week is filled with wonder and reality because a life is something we take for granted, but others in other worlds are not so blessed.