And Today She Is Gone
And today she is gone. And we mourn for her and her family and ourselves. That is, once we get through the anger that we will hide behind first. A loss, any kind of loss will allow us to do this first. Long before we accept the passing of her broken pain filled soul; we will first get angry at her for going, at the other person who played an instinctive part in this senseless scene, at ourselves for not noticing how much pain she was in and how desperate her life had become and being powerless in saving her soul, and then a God for allowing this to happen.
But underneath and after all that anger come the acceptance and the scramble to not have her death for naught. I remember early in my recovery hearing a line that someone dies for another to get clean. I truly believe that having had someone important to me passing on their inevitable last high on my Birthday only two months after I got clean. Today, I carry grateful warmth and a sincere heart for his passing and finally being out of his own war. As this is what would help me in my recovery in ways only those of us who know our someone who died so we could get clean; I know that his death will never be for naught because I do him honor every day by staying clean. I always keep that memorial at the forefront of my memories and use the strength when I need to call upon it. It has proven to be very instrumental in navigating my life in recovery each and every day.
However, this is not about me today. This is about one of our own who relapsed and did the inevitable jails, institutions, or death. The death was the final for her. I did not know her well, but then I knew the most important part of her; the pain filled and broken soul. She came to the rooms with a very small hope and light, but then lost that light and returned to what she knew best. So many do, so very many do. And I say God speed angel and hurt no more. Now you will rest easy and I will see you one day soon, here on earth as you follow and try to protect the one your passing is helping keep in the rooms of our fellowship of life. She just came to the rooms a few days ago, but you have already had a big impact on her life and being able to stay clean.
Now, this does not take away from the sadness and loss we feel for the girl with the backward ball cap not wanting to feel anything but good. She came into our rooms and life wanting to continue her life style without the crutch of using, and that showed an impossible thing to her. She, like all of us, just wanted to stop hurting but could not seem to grasp that thread that everything had to change for this to help her get to the life she could not see. And I say, thank you for being you and showing up in our lives for the minute that you did; for each of our lives is just a little bit better in the short time you were with us. And today, I am at peace, with sadness and even a bit of joy that you are no longer living in pain and are free from the past you couldn’t seem to run away from.
Today’s piece is not going to be as long as it normally is because today we mourn the passing of one of our own. And today, I just felt the need to put something up for us all to see and remember her by. Today is for you and about you, and we all send our love and sadness of your losing this battle called life. May you now rest in the peace you couldn’t find here on earth.
For anyone reading this and wanting to comment; I will ask only that you do not use her name; out of respect for her family and friends. This is the anonymity we all share. Any comment that does not use a name I will add for sure.