I Put Down The Drugs, And Out Came The Dragon
This week I am going to do two pieces; well, because it’s 2017. Thank you, Justin Trudeau, for that saying that as it seems to encompass so much and all that is important.
One will be about – now that the drugs are gone, what am I supposed to do now?
The other will talk about never giving in or giving up on myself or letting others disbelief of what they cannot see or feel make any difference in what I have to do.
And now, let’s switch gears and work on the premise that now I have put all the drugs down and what is there left to do. I remember the early days of recovery when I first put down the drugs, all of them. I was absolutely terrified about how was I going to sleep without something very strong to knock me out. Without that, I would not ever sleep again. These are the kinds of thoughts that ran through my mind all the time. This was all going to be too hard. How would I survive alive without the drugs I used so frequently, oh hell, so all the time I could get my hands on them? I remember obsessing how you didn’t know how sick I was so how could you ever know how to fix me? You didn’t have all the horrid nightmarishly horrible things I had had to live through and watch and see and then pretend I didn’t see just to survive. You didn’t know that when I was by myself I would cry myself to sleep thinking that no one would ever love me if they knew the truth of my life, no one would ever want to stay. You never knew that in the beginning of my recovery I still did constant cigarette butt runs because I could not afford to buy cigarettes or that I still bargained and begged my God, in the beginning, to just let some of this horseshit all natural sleeping aid crap work so I could get more than an hour or two sleep in the wee hours of the morning. And you most certainly did not know that under my skin and way back behind my walls and strength and stubbornness and around and under all the layers of my protecting me from you; was the shaken and terrified girl thinking what if I can’t do this? What if I just can’t do this? Not everybody can and lots relapse and I could not afford to do that because I already knew back then that I was either going to do this or I was going to die. There was no gray area in the middle for errors and trials; there was not line to cross. It was all one hundred percent I do this or I put one drug in my system and I die. I knew in the beginning of this these very true and real facts. One was black and the other was white. Live or die were the only two options I allowed myself. As I am here writing this, you know I chose the white and live.
I have heard the rumors that she is so together, and between you and me; no I do not. What I do have is a lot of very hard work continuously to make sure I don’t take the black and death choice. What I have done is get up and fight against whatever or whomever or myself to make sure I stay clean. And in the beginning I remember thinking and saying that life is so unfair more days than not, crying and screaming at God asking why he was doing this; making my life so hard, making me make hard choices and just plain being a jerk. And I did have many conversations in the start of all this that started with words like “Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you give me this? Do I look like I’m happy? Do I really look like I’m laughing? Why don’t you take the fucking shit back and you fix it?” Oh yes, there were many such conversations like this in the beginning.
And then came now when I know exactly what his plan is today. He made it his mission to show me how strong I really am, how much integrity I have, how much forgiveness I can, and how much acceptance I will, and how much I can truly do. It is amazing when I look back now to the fire breathing dragon I was in the beginning and look in my mirror today at the dragon I still am but the fire I leave unlit, for the most part anyway (tongue in cheek). This may be a good thing, considering I like unicorns and rainbows today and in my world dragons and unicorns are the best of friends. My world rules today.
With everything in me, I believe that whatever you wish to call your higher power or universe surrounding you; that we are only ever given what we can handle. I may not like that all the time as it can be challenging and draining for sure, but I do believe it. But, not for one minute should you think that the me you see today is anything like the me that came into recovery kicking and screaming and wanting nothing more than to get hit by a truck and die. And then day two started and that part was miraculously lifted.
Now, for the second part because it is about the strength that my higher power has given me that allows me to believe in myself and not have an issue with those that don’t. It allows me to leave others where they are as I continue along in my destination of my life. It allows me to put blinders on and go forth and do the future I want to be a part of; the future of me.
I have come to accept that I have gifts that sometimes leave others fearing because they don’t understand it, disbelieving it because they don’t want to understand it, lacking faith because they don’t want to believe, or finally believing because they already know or at least have the faith. That may not encompass everyone and I know this, but for the sake of this piece; these are the reactions I choose to discuss. I will start with the premise that I thought or expected maybe, that my partner had come to witness enough to at least believe a little and/or have faith that I would not ever be lying about the incidents in my life since his meeting me. That these have been occurring long before I even came to understand and accept them; is merely truth for me that I exist. But, back to the task at hand, I go. My need to finish things is exactly where I will find these happenings going on. My desperation is the key to it all. I am coming to realize the further I go back in my memory bank, which today I will say is getting clearer and more visible as my life goes on; the more I remember with clarity these things in my life all along. That these feelings, thoughts, answers, paths, dreams, awakenings, have been a part of my life all along is very heady feeling. To know that there are some in my life that doesn’t believe it even though they are and have been witness to it; leaves me thinking that maybe, just maybe all this could lead such a different outcome if I were on the path I am to be on fully and without deviation or distraction.
So, I put the blinders on and tread and trudge through the swamps, through the forests, and then into the light of total acceptance of me. Today, I am so okay with being the me my higher power always wanted me to be. Because of where I came from and what I have struggled with and survived in my past; I get to be the me I never would have guessed with a million tries. Today I get to be proud of being different for good reasons and honest in ways I never thought possible, because it is with me and my higher power I get to be honest.
And now, for a bit, I am going to put this down and go about my day as I think about the rest of this piece. And I am back. Even though I am totally confident in my beliefs and ways of thinking and feeling; there is still a tiny vestige way down deep inside that says the people won’t believe you. They will think you are crazy, they will make fun of you or run away from you. They will be afraid of you. Well, stop the presses and color me crimson. The will be afraid of me. Now, in all honesty, there are some I would like to be afraid of me and this could definitely work in my favor. However, the honesty and integrity and belief of me say no, I can’t do that. Tongue in cheek. Well, maybe just a little.
Okay, so all joking aside, I have surrounded myself with those that share the same or similar gifts and that has allowed me to feel safe learning about myself. I call them gifts, but they really are just heightened awareness and the ability to see beyond the exterior of you, me the trees, the walls and into the realm of light or darkness that shrouds us or envelopes us. I can sense someone’s pain and struggle and even take on their pain. I can hear, see and feel things that surround me with wonder and gratitude. And sometimes, even anger as those who don’t have this heightened awareness try so hard to prove it untrue with their fears of the unknown and their disbelief of what they cannot achieve.
I am only sharing this for one very important reason. Should you be someone similar to me or the same as me, and afraid of what others think of you; please just stay long enough to witness the miracle that is you. You can be afraid of being different in the beginning; I know I certainly was. But, just keep it close to your heart and know that those of us who walk among us will help you if you ask. And know when it is your time to shine; you will shine brighter than you could have ever imagined.
It is with this said, I will end this week’s piece and hope that those of you who need to see this will and those that are afraid of this read will find the courage to at least open the door and peek inside. Have the best week you can have with at least a few unicorns and rainbows, but do not be afraid to let the dragon out to play if it is needed, too.