I Will Stop Crying When You All Stop Dying
So, I have struggled the last two weeks with what I want this piece to be about. My soul has been very unhappy for a while now and there have been many reasons and goings on that have played a part in my life. I want to talk about something very real and very strong in this world and day I call my life. You see, I can be outwardly happy and still be real with the inner feelings of unhappiness and struggles of my heart and soul.
There is so much today that is going on in our world that other than speak my mind and try and do my part and be the best I can be about these trying times, well, that is the best I can do with this. This may not seem like a lot to you, the other people; but from where I stand that is such a lot. I support those that are trying to make a difference in our world. I support women standing and linking arms with each other and trying to abolish the abuse of each and every one of us. I support those that are trying to leave their ‘hells’ and start a new way of living; because the old way was the complete opposite and we all wanted to end our lives. I support mental health taking a stand and those that need it can now access it. I support all sexuality and human needs and real people needing to be their true selves. I support growth and change and safety in our country and still reaching out to help the world that so needs us.
Now, with all of this supporting going on; I still deal with the wrongs and pain of the local within my heart and touching my soul. I have the ability, no gift, to feel others pain and want to help and take their pain away. I am A Healer. With this gift comes great strength and also a great responsibility. I used to think this was crazy and it helped in the life path I was on to get more and need more and use more. It helped make me different, but not in a good way. Today, I accept that I am and do what needs to be. It can be very draining and emotional and spiritual and disheartening all at the same time. It is always in me and today I allow it to rule what needs to be said and done and take comfort that it also keeps me safe and secure.
Now, why am I talking about this, you may ask. Well, very simply it comes down to how I got through there to get to here. It is about trying day after day to kill myself and stop all feelings because this was a solution, the only solution I could find and see. I know it gets said of those of us with addiction issues that we couldn’t stand to feel so less than and in pain that we used. But, I remember using and knowing that the moments of feeling great and better than and no pain was always right behind this hit and we had to use before it wore off and we were forced to feel again. To me, that is not ‘no’ feeling; it was always trying to avoid the feeling while still feeling it to some degree. It was the proverbial dog chasing its tail around in circles; not able to catch it, but not stopping anyway or giving up, if you will. Chasing drugs was like that for me. I still remember the ‘feeling’ in the pit of my stomach that help was on its way through my body. By this late time in my life of addiction, it was not an excited notion; but one of sheer dread already thinking about how soon I would be out and how horrible that was going to feel and how angry I was going to be. In my head, I was already wandering through that bulb on my shoulders as to how to get more needs before I ran out. Who did I have to call, what did I have to do, what story would get me what I needed so I get back to the business of killing myself. To finally make the pain not go away, but stay away.
I am writing this very vivid description, not for those who don’t understand what addiction is and what my being an addict was like. I am writing this for all those of you who are addicts and will identify with the stark reality that feelings didn’t go away; the merely changed course depending on what part of the process we were in. But, mostly I am writing this so that other addicts will know after reading these choice descriptions that we are all the same in our ‘hell’s’ with only different names to distinguish.
What I want more than anything; is for the deaths to stop happening and the people to stop relapsing. What I want is for every addict out there to understand a few truths and realities. Putting down the drugs is hard and horrifying and scarier than any movie we have ever seen and even scarier than most of the lives we lived out there. It does not turn into unicorns and rainbows overnight or sometimes even over time. Our perception of unicorns and rainbows will change though, and in time there will be those. There is no such thing as slowly getting clean. If we have one foot in recovery and one foot in our addiction; the addiction will win. We will relapse and we will try even harder to die and maybe even succeed this time. At this point, I am in tears because when you do die you use my soul to help you get from this life to the next. Whether or not you believe it; the truth is that I feel each death with such an aching heart; because I know all this and I am recovering and life is better, and life is great, and life is hard, and life is frustrating, but I am alive for it and I don’t want to die in active addiction today.
In the beginning of our recovery, we are angry and detoxing and thinking maybe I can’t do this. We have tears of loneliness we shed in rooms by ourselves thinking no one knows or cares. I did that for more nights than I care to talk about. Then there comes that one moment that somebody says something or hugs you a certain way or smiles just real enough to make that day just a little shred better. It doesn’t last though. The nest part of the journey is once again wondering why am I doing this; nothing is changing, I don’t like this, I hate this; I want to go back this. At least I understand that.
And then another moment will come along and someone is warm and nice and caring and I could get to like this. But then that leaves and I am cold and alone again in my head full of anger and heart full of pain. The truth now is that the anger gets to leave in time. When I was willing to work as hard on myself as I had to for the pain to stop and the anger to leave; they did. Little by little, they did. They got better and life became better. What I know today is that however hard I am willing to work on my life is the same work generated for me by my higher power today. The most amazing gift to date that I have received is that not once for even a second since I got clean a growing number of twenty-four hours ago; have I ever wanted to die since I got clean.
And for each and every one of you out there feeling those feelings and living those lives; I cry every time I know one of you has lost the fight. I cry because you didn’t have to lose the fight and I truly didn’t want you to lose this fight. I want you to all come into recovery and let me or another me help you get from that side to this side where you feel love and have love and can give love. To the side where living is not a dream, but a reality each of us is worthy of.
Now, why did I go way where I did today, you may ask? Well because this is the biggest part of my support today. I support all those who don’t want to live anymore or know how to live anymore in whatever I have to do to make you want to live. Every day, my day is about making your day just a little less painful, angry, saddened, disheartening, fearful, and a little bit better than what it was before you were in my world for a moment. When you stop dying, then I can stop crying.
I realize this piece is way out there, but for today just humor me. Pass this on to someone who is struggling with life and living and reach out to touch their lives with just a little bit of yours or mine.
I am not ending this piece in the usual way because I have in my world some people who truly are struggling and I want them to know how much they mean to me. I know who each and every one of you is struggling with the living part of life and after reading this; you know I know how you feel. Make the call, reach out, think about me, know that I will stop crying when you all stop dying.