The Fears That Are No Longer Mine
Where oh where do I start today? Maybe with the week I just passed and managed to turn into history; one of the histories of my life. This is where or where I do start today.
I am going to start with the stress of the week that has continued for many weeks and does not seem to be getting any better. Well, now this is not where I want to be this week. So, we are on to the next task coming up in my head right now. And I run through a list of things rolling around up in the busy and ever rambunctious place called my head. Just like bingo balls in the machine; what rolls out face up for me today is ‘the fear’. This dreaded part of life that held me captive for so much of my life; my fears.
I did not realize this then, but in the many years of addiction; fears ran the game and directed my moves and tormented me like a bully. There were so many to look at and try to get past that using just made them seem smaller and less ferocious. I can remember being five foot tall and weighing in at a whopping ninety-five or so pounds and needing to look tough and show tough and be tougher than the next guy or girl. I needed to give off the air and the belief that I was someone to reckon with and not to mess with. I had to do this on a daily basis and surround myself with the same kinds of people; while still maintaining a somewhat likeness of honor to whom I was dealing. And, I don’t mind telling you this today; it was pretty difficult trying to remain loyal and full of honor while doing what today I consider to be all the wrong choices, decisions, and commitments in my life. Somehow I survived to be here today and find that the life of recovery I live today is not without the same sort of, but differently motivated challenges.
From then till now has been a very up, down, and around ride, not unlike a rollercoaster ride; only this does not end, it merely keeps on going. Navigating and learning how to keep my nausea at bay as the twists and turns and hanging upside down has been a whole other task today on its own. But, back to the object of this week’s piece; navigating through the fears of today. So, I put down the drugs I was using to try and kill myself and I find the rooms of recovery. Actually, this is wrong already; I find the rooms of recovery and then I put down the drugs I was using to try and kill myself with.
In the beginning, I got to hear people laugh, which I thought was rather rude then as I had nothing to laugh about and how could you find any of this funny. But, I managed to hear just enough through people sharing to hear my story in tiny parts and likenesses. I decided to stay and become a part of and live. And this is when the confusions started to happen. I got off the rollercoaster of detoxing and onto the next ride which didn’t have a name but turned out to be the ride of sickness, deceit, and drama. I did not realize it at the time but there were very sick people in these rooms and not all were trying to get better. For me, I knew I had to walk a very strict and narrow line to stay here in the rooms. I knew, even back then; that a lie of any kind to myself, a code of anything less than loyalty, a code of anything less than doing the next right thing; would all take me back to the mean streets of my deadliest days and I could not go there.
As time passed and one day turned into six days that turned into sixty days that turned into longer and longer lengths of time clean; I started to form my ethics and standards and beliefs and honors and loyalties. I started to become the me that I am today. I never forgot the beginnings of my recovery ever, but I did become open-eyed and seeing clearer and having the opportunities to make better choices, better decisions, and witness the results of not doing the next right thing. I did make some mistakes and learned from them and then made some mistakes and didn’t learn from them; so I got to repeat those ones over and learned from them this time, or at least the time after that. The me I am today works very hard to accomplish my goals and does not take no for an answer (unless no is the right answer). The me I am today loves and respects me. The me I am today is loyal and trustworthy and caring and strong and fearless. I don’t like having fears today.
And this brings me to the facing fears and feeling fearless part of this piece. One of the biggest things I strive for today is eliminating fears in my life today. I absolutely believe I can live fearlessly and feel fearless in its entirety today. And, one by one I face each one with honesty and strength and a need to overcome. My latest desire to overcome is tattoo needles and tattoos. I have always looked at these as being very painful to get and I want to live fearless today. I have decided to get a very small one on the calf of my leg using a symbol of fearless or survival. I have finally convinced myself to get past this and do it and now I just have to find the symbol I want to use. And, although this may seem like something very trivial or of non-importance to others; for me, it signifies one more reason to sleep easier at night. Fears lead to me having bad days and bad days lead to me having bad dreams and bad dreams lead to me having nightmares. I want to live today without as many roller coasters as I used to have and this is one more step towards that.
As is the name of my blog, this is me finding me positive in everything I do and feel and think. You may have a ‘bucket list’, but I choose to have a ‘fearless list’; that which no longer causes me to cringe at the mere mention.
I have come to the end of this week’s piece. If you enjoy the read, please like, follow, share and even comment if it so moves you. And, this week; I wish you all a fearless moment in your dream of life and actuality of your life of living.