Taking Me Back To Basics
Today I am back online and feeling a myriad of feelings. I am so full of rage and happiness, sadness and energy, tears and gratitude. All over the map like when I first got clean; the difference is that today I am not first clean.
I want to cover everything right now about everything yesterday. There is so much going on around me and inside me that I am not sure I want to feel safe enough to cover anything close to the heart. And yet, here I sit feeling and knowing that this must all come out today, right now before one more person in my life leaves or falls or needs or wants. I try to sit quietly for just a moment and that only allows my mind to run faster and wilder and freer.
You see, this is what happens to me when life happens around me and life happens in me too. Because of who I am and what I am; life happening does bestow on me some very real strengths and feelings within me. I have spent a bit of time now trying to allow and let someone see inside me and what great can happen and how if I do the next right thing, the next right thing will be done. I have spent a bit of time before that watching as I made decisions that I knew weren’t the right next move and watched the disaster that reaped. I have come to rely on and trust and believe in my strengths and the things I know and see and feel.
I want to stop here and hide from my gifts, but what would that do except to disrespect my powers that be who have worked so hard to keep me alive and get me here to this place of acceptance and belief. For those of you that know me or have followed my blog; you know this is not going to happen. What is going to happen though is that I am going to center on a topic that is near and dear to my heart and even my sanity on some days.
So now I get to take everything back to basics. I will start with ‘get to’. Quite some time ago, my words and thought changed from ‘have to’, to ‘get t’. I stopped saying I have to do something and started saying I get to do something. I stopped saying I have to anything; feel, think, do, say all became things I get to do. I make choices today to get to do everything. As this started cementing itself in my mind; I felt things shift and change within me. My perception of my life changed drastically. And, as the paragraph started, today I get to take everything back to basics.
In my house, things have gotten very stressful and with very defined lines. I felt as though I was being punished for doing the next right thing and making bad choices earlier on in my recovery. As I believe that there is no punishing force in my life today and my life is cared for by two strong and loving powers that be; that became a feeling I got to lose. So, what am I left with now? This is the question I wrestled with for some time into after putting the blog on hiatus for a month. And then it hit me.
I get to take my life back to the basics. I get to sluff off all that is not necessary or desired in this life I call my own. I get to put on the back burner everything that I cannot change or fix. I choose to get up and go to my wonderful job, come home and do the chores that need to be done. I get to allow myself to think only of one foot going into the front of me and no further than that. I get to make the decisions of what is necessary and what is not today. I get to put me first in this equation because this is my life and what I choose to do about it.
Having said all that; simple becomes what simple needs to look like. On paper, I put everything I am trying to juggle and do with all aspects of my life. From there, I start decreasing, one by one, the things that I cannot do or fix or be about right now. Once I have done this and taken the list down to the most minor I can make it; I write what is left on a new piece of paper. The old piece of paper goes into a drawer where I get to not look at all the time. I haven’t discarded the list; just put it on hold until something in my life changes to take care of these things. Now that I have a smaller list of things; I can make it more manageable and less overwhelming. This I get to do today. Knots get undone, nerves become looser, sleep becomes a little better, and now my body and soul are less of wanting to crawl out of my skin mode and in more wanting to go forth and conquer mode.
What I know, is that in my life at least, there are cycles that bring change and then there are the moments that I allow others to make decisions that are about my life in part and I have let these happen even as my instinct is screaming NO!NO!NO!
Today, I choose not to be a part of these shenanigans. Today, I get to say that does not feel right and therefore I am not taking part in or even agreeing to stand by and watch these things fall apart. Today, I get to stand up and say the NO! my screaming insides are already doing and showing me.
And finally, my taking my life to basics means that the things I cannot do right now I say this to the person or persons or companies or whatever shapes it is to be, that I cannot deal with it right now. I get to adult and do the adult thing. I get to not cower in a corner behind the closed curtains in hopes it will all go away. Today, my curtains stay open and my soul gets to rest easier as I try not to fret over that which I am powerless and that which is not mine to keep.
Today, when the world gets too busy for me; I dial back to basics and one foot in front of the other. Sometimes in my life it is a roller coaster ride; oh hell, what am I saying; my life is always like a roller coaster ride. What happens though is sometimes I get seasick with the upside down parts and have to ask the driver to slow down and let me puke before we continue to the next rise or corner.
This is today’s piece; leaving me ready to face the week at a glance and with less to move and more to stand. That sentence may not make sense to you, but it did for me so I am keeping it as worded.
I will leave you with a final thought I quite believe and love. My life is not always days of unicorns and rainbows, but there is at least one moment every day that I find a unicorn and rainbow in just for me. Enjoy the week and simplicity works.
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