How Did I Get Here The Way I Am
Why do I feel the need to love, be loved, and have a partner? This is the million dollar question for me this piece. I have struggled in the past at one time or another. And here is where God put the perspective for me. I have come to find out because I would not allow myself to get in a relationship at the beginning of my recovery; that I don’t need to have a man, partner, husband. I needed to learn how to be the man for me, the partner I want, and ‘me’ the husband who would put me first.
This is where I am going this week. To a place few dare to go and even fewer dare stay; inside my world. In the grips of active addiction where I was a handful to be with; always wanting my way and thinking my way was the right way. Just because even to this day my way is usually the right way; apparently, that is not something I should boast, brag, or even say aloud in the company of the male (said in hushed tones). It comes down to something like the male ego or balls I hear being deflated; like I was put on this earth to make their delicate ego and even more delicate balls my problem. I say if you can’t handle the heat in my kitchen; move on down the line and to hell out of my kitchen. Now, this may seem a little harsh to all the princesses walking around with egos on the ground and balls being walked on, but just get over it all ready. Holy crap and a cracker, I say. I have spent the better part of my life walking on eggshells for fear of hurting the man, and I am about to say no more. Considering the man has spent most of my life hurting me, breaking my heart and soul, and using me for what every guy uses women for; I say the rise of me is happening, finally. It probably should have many, many moons ago. But it is happening now.
At this point in the piece and the uprising of me; I would send a warning out to this label. If you are a male and you are faint of heart, mushy, soft, or any other number of delicate nouns; please back away from this piece slowly, as it is not for you. If you are a male who has been a part of my past and feeling slightly guilty; stick around and you will feel so much more by the end. And, if I don’t know you and you are already feeling guilty; you might want to stay as well and find out how, just maybe, you could fix this with the girl you feel guilty about. I do not make promises though if you decide to go out and try to fix this using the same tactics as you did to create the guilt in the first place. And last, but far from least; if you are the guy sitting there rolling his eyes and thinking this chick is crazy and has no idea what she is talking about, please stay tuned to find out.
In three easy to understand sentences; let’s do this. Let us start with number one. God made us (the women) the ones to bring new life into the world with, not you. Does it seem fair to think that even he thought you guys were incapable of doing the job the correct way?
I am going to go ahead and let you digest that one while I go on to number two. If we all look at the realities of the ‘great’ things men have done; well, let’s be honest and realize all those great moments where when there was an even greater woman behind them encouraging them and nudging them with the right next moves. And, while you all get your panties up in a bunch; just relax your male counterparts. To be fair, I did go online to research what one does better than the other and it is not very flattering to the male ego at all. Top of your list and standing way out to me was that you are better drinkers, better with manual labor, and better gamblers. Not the three most desirable traits unless I am an alcoholic/addict, moving a lot, and/or wanting to have my money invested in gambling.
So, we are at number three and by far very high on my list of importance. We live longer. Back to number one, do you really think God gave you shorter lives and us longer lives as a ‘fun in the sun’ tactic? I do not think so. Once again, let me return to God knew what he was doing when he said who can take care of life better and should stay longer? Can we all say it together? Well, women of course.
Now that I have pointed these ‘captain obvious’ points; let’s get down to the brass tacks of things. Forever and a day, men have had to be coddled, praised, pet, brushed, fed, and constantly needed to be made to feel big and strong. I am going to give you out there a real example. I have been a strong woman all of my life. I have had to be to live the life I have so far. I have had to protect myself, take care of myself, comfort myself, raise myself up, feed myself, and keep myself safe. Along the way, there were guys who ‘helped’ with all of this. They were the ones who gave me money for sex for drugs, gave me drugs for sex, bought me presents for sex, showed me off for sex, and tried selling me for drugs with my sex. When he starts a conversation with what would it take…to get what I want; the obvious answer is respect and love. That is what we always wanted was for you to love us and treat us with respect. Some of us actually went out thinking there really was a prince charming or otherwise that we could find. And then the first time you called us a name, we became a little hurt and that lead to a little wall of strength. The first time one of you called us a name and then hit us, we hurt a little more and got a little stronger. But, we were still going to find the prince and he would make everything better and love us and treat us with respect and protect us. And then, the first time you called us a name, hit us and then raped us; we hurt a lot more and lost our ability to be strong for a moment. And then we decided that this was all we were good for was hurting and hurting more and then some more. So, we got stronger walls and stronger bodies to take that shit from you and some of us even hit back and hurt back. It was the only way we could fight what was being done to us. But, by now we are addicted and needed things to help us forget and then stronger things to force ourselves to forget the first time and next time and time after that. And then we wanted to die, every day and in any way, we just wanted to be gone from the pain and hurt, despair and desolation that had become our life.
Now, ladies please go back with me to the start of this. Back then all we wanted was to be loved, respected and/or cherished, and protected; just like the fairy tales told us.
Now, men please take heart with this too because your beginning is very different. Way back then all you wanted was to prove you were bigger, stronger, and ruling your world.
Here is my thought on maybe the way things could have gone. If the little boys had read the same books we did and seen the better things at home; maybe they could have been the prince in our fairy tale. If the girls had not read these books maybe we would not have set out from the start looking for a perfect prince to protect us. And maybe, just maybe, I would not have had to be called that first name and you would not have had to call me that first name. And maybe I could have been your princess and you could have been my prince.
But, since we only have today from the yesterdays we had; we have had to become stronger than you would ever know or understand. And, since I have only had the yesterdays I had; I have had to go to great lengths to build the walls that you cannot break, because I have had to depend on only me to love me, respect me, and protect me from you. And finally, because I only had the yesterdays I did; I myself have had to make sure that there are no more yesterdays in my future.
To be fair, if you are a guy reading this and you have never called a woman a name, hit her or raped her; then you are a good one and a prince from the books we used to read. For the rest of you; this is what you started. If you didn’t want to see strong women everywhere; I think you might have wanted to do things a little different way back when you could. And by you, I mean males, not a personal you.
I am going to end this piece a little different. I am going to reach out to women everywhere, all women. For every pain that has been inflicted on you or upon you, or to you; just know that the rest of us do understand because most of us have been there at one time or another. I embrace that I am strong, independent, fearless and fierce. We can all embrace these traits, like war wounds, and be proud that we made it here and we can continue to rise to our challenges of the next leg of our journey. If he tells you that you are too strong, or too hard, or too smart; say thank you. Their fear of us in these lights is only one more reason to stay strong.
I hope this piece at least starts a conversation. If it actually helps you because you can relate, I say amen.
Please like, share, follow and even comment. I do respect all and publish all. Have a good week, and ladies, just try being extra nice to the girl next to you, after all, we do have each other to lean on and hold up.