The Memories That Were Never Real.
This week is going to pay homage to those who have passed on from this life and were very important in my life and helped in their own ways to shape who I am today. And although these people were not in my life at the same time for the most part; they did help in fantastic and huge ways to love me as I was and therefore let me bring me into recovery just the way I am and be strong enough to stay.
There have been some rather eccentric souls in my life over the course of my life who just showed up, accepted me for me and didn’t ask me to change, left my life and eventually passed on to the next journey of their lives. It saddens me that they couldn’t stay and see me today; because I feel like they would have been the proudest of me. I have to look back honestly and without the romanticizing way, I would love to see things about my past sometimes. I have been guilty of doing this and I actually need to take off the blinders and rose covered glasses and see the truth.
You see, today I can actually look back at these moments with people and feel the feelings I felt, that they wanted me to feel so they could get their own ways with me whatever it was at that moment. I am not going to use real names because they have passed on from this life. However, out of respect for them because they are no longer living to ask permission; I believe this is the right decision.
I believe that this is an exercise I need to walk through and this is the time to walk through it because I am totally uncomfortable in my skin right now as I try to start this. You see, I already know that I have romanticized these memories because of who they were and what we did and what they wanted. I really don’t want to look at, be honest about, strip them down and be real about, or mess with them in any way. I don’t want to lose the awesome caring and respect that I wish to remember. I don’t want to take them off the shelf and look at realities. I don’t want to stop the memory I have made and in my head and heart that they were better than they were. I don’t want to lose the made up memories that I used to warm my heart with that made my life just a little bit warmer and less painful and I especially do not want to feel the alone feeling that I will have to admit when I take apart the actual memories and remove the fictional parts.
It was kind of the same thing I went through when I had to get honest with myself about my theory that my ‘Johns’ had more respect for me than the many male relationships I chose did. I actually believed this and swore to the validity of it for a long time. And then the real came and I had to let that illusion go and admit and see the realities of this whole scenario. They had no feelings one way or the other. They just paid a price and got the service they paid for. There was no respect or disrespect because there were no feelings. And once they left, the job was over and did not have to see them again if I chose not to. I did not have to care about, know, ask, or respond to anything other than doing the job for the money. And then I got to change the almost romantic term ‘escort’ to the very real ‘prostitute’ name of the job I was doing.
I am going to sit with this for a bit and let myself calm down and breathe before I go any further with this. My head needs a minute to be okay with going down this very personal and fearful place inside me before I can go the distance and the true reality I want to spin on.
So after rereading from the start of this; I realize that it is not going to be about these other people as it is going to be about my part of these other people. I do love to be challenged and this is going to put a whole new spin on how I perceived my past.
I will at the end of this still have respect for these people, as they carried on their road and did not intentionally try to hurt anyone. They were honest to a fault and died as they lived, partying hard until the end. I am so putting this off and rambling on as I try to not go there and do what I have to do. So, ass first as I do a very inelegant splash into the pond called my life.
A reality check for me starts out this way. The people I speak about, and let’s call a spade a spade; they were indeed men; knew the buttons to push or rather charming things to say to get me to do what they wanted and keep me trusting them by tending to go along with my lines of things I would not do. By bolstering me up and charming me and seeming to back me up with the things I would not do; I did end up going along with the things they wanted on this side of the line I drew. Like my drugs, they were an added mix of the deadly roulette game I played. I am thinking that I had to romanticize these memories so I had less to feel shameful about in my life. So that my life did not always appear what it truly was, and that was me doing whatever I had to do to get the drugs and not feel like I felt when I wasn’t using.
Right, this moment I feel myself crying on the inside, as I remember how much I used to hurt when I wasn’t using; how hard it was and how much work it took to continuously use and not feel all the pain.
And, while I am very grateful to be here and alive today and living the life I get to live; there is something inside me that says please don’t go back there ever again. We do not have to revisit this and I am saying yes I do. If I want this to be a little bit better memory and a little less painful to remember; I do have to go there.
I am thinking this is going to be a three-part turnaround to finish this as I need to take a break and then come back to finish. But, guess what? I am okay today with taking three sessions to complete the task at hand. The important thing about today is that I separate the truth from the illusion that I very much needed back then to allow me to even get up in the morning.
The realities of those guys and that time are that they were there when I was in a very abusive relationship finding all kinds of necessary excuses to stay in it and not one sane reason to leave. I played my part with the abuse for sure, but it sure helped me to regain strength time and time again to continue along. And this is a picture of how that would work. I was with a husband on and off for near twenty years. We would fight and argue when we needed drugs and hated the particular way we felt that day. So, an argument would ensue because one of wanted to use more than the other and neither would ever accept the word ‘no’. Sometimes it would take almost coming to or actually getting to the physical to get our way. Sometimes the hateful and hurting words were not enough to convince the other to follow. And then, we would actually use while in the angry or hurt frame of mind and continue the battle even with the drugs. We had both ended up in the drunk tank more than once. It was whoever made the call first or won, that particular day. And of course, with each fight and argument, the resentments and pain got stronger and the anger got bigger. These guys I speak of never talked to me harshly or insulting and certainly never hurt me; I always felt better when they were around.
I had to leave again for a bit and think and strive for the truth. And here I go. The absolute truth is that they used me because I had the connections and they could convince me to barter on their behalf with the girls they were chasing or to get me to go along with whatever plan they wanted to try this time. They knew that if they were nice to me and seemingly respectful; actually just nice is all they had to be and I could be persuaded to agree with them and have their backs. Now comes the time for my part. I used them too. I used the fact that they would always go along with me as long as I pretended to go along with them. I knew and used the fact that they would not let anything happen to me as long as they were there. I knew and used the knowledge that they really liked me and wanted to be with me and this gave me a backup plan whenever I needed one. And I used the fact they would continue to do as I asked when I asked and be nice about it. I want to crawl in a cave and stay there as I read the words I am typing here. And I am so ashamed of myself. Not for today, but definitely for back then. They have passed on to the next leg of their journey and I feel that they watch over me all the time. I feel strongly they have accepted my heartfelt sorry and the awful behaviors I had exhibited. They both know the life I live today because they are two of my favorite angels protecting me through this part of my journey. They are always with me and help to make sure I am always safe and okay. And by continuing to stay clean and living the life I do and helping others here as well; I can now forgive myself for one more piece of my history in the arms of active addiction.
Once again I feel the becoming familiar feeling of freedom. Each time I wrestle and face one of these demons of my past; I am left with a renewed gratitude and a peaceful breath. I never fear anymore. I fail to like the feeling in the beginning of one of these journeys, but I do know if I choose to face and conquer one at a time; I eradicate one more bad memory and make it just a little less painful and a little bit better. As with today, sometimes I get to recall the truth and let the illusion of wrongdoing free another piece of me.
I realize this one is a bit longer that I usually do; however, I am very content and peaceful that I did it. On a side note, the poundage I lose today is not from my body; it is from the weight of my past and that is so much more important to me today.
I will leave you with this today. If you had a choice today to lose one pound from your body or one pound from a long ago pain you still carry today; which would you choose? For me, if I lose a pound from my body and still carry the pain; I am still just as heavy because of the inside. As with today; I lost a pound of pain for the past and both inside and outside feel lighter, and I still get to have my cheesecake and enjoy it too.
As with every piece; if you enjoy the read, please like, follow, share and comment. From me to you; have the cheesecake and lose the pound from inside.