The Choices I Decide To Make
This was actually written a few weeks ago but is airing today because I did not get the piece done today I wanted to do.
I am thinking it (my piece) should be something important (like all my topics are). However, I am at a loss with no topic in sight.
So, the old standby will be in the forefront today.
I feel like I am a bit off; with a couple of things that have recently happened this week and are affecting my mood. And the weather may be playing a factor, as well. And my husband may be playing a factor, too.
Oh, for God sakes, it is a couple of decisions I have had to make for the betterment of my life that is causing the emotion in my head. Even I will get frustrated with my dillydallying sometimes.
I think that is where we will go this time; decisions we have to make for the betterment of our lives. A couple of situations have come in front of me this last few days and I have had to make decisions as to how to deal with them and then process them. They were not fun decisions in any way, shape, or form. The first one was something that was going to plague me night and day for many moons, and gut first instinct was to strike back. And that is honesty for sure. I wanted to wield the sword and go for the kill. However, as I started to wield the sword, it became very complicated to do so. The sword was somehow rusty, I had forgotten how to use it, and it was much heavier than I remember. I am taking that as a sign I was supposed to wait, think, and then react. Who knew, that was the way it is supposed to happen. I, for one, did not know; or if I did, I certainly did not pay any mind to it.
The second one was the same type of decision; for the better of my recovery. It was a decision to leave someone to go on their path without taking me with them on their journey. This was so hard. This person is family and there were so many periods in our lives that it seemed to be me and them against the world. There was guilt because I know they are struggling and cold use my support and probably more. But I have been through enough of these runs and tangents to know where it was going to go, and today I cannot go there even from the sidelines. I had to turn around and walk away and try to maneuver my way through all of this emotion and guilt. I had to sit still and feel it and be okay with feeling like crap for a moment. The decision was the right one, I know that, but it was still a very hard one. My life is too important to me to risk emotional sickness that I would have if I hung onto them.
This life I chose is not always the easiest path to travel. It can be hard, but it is simple. I have two choices and only one of them will be the right one to stay on this path I love, called my life.
For most of us, I think there are points in our lives and paths to choose and others that will fall behind. I know for me, this is very true and has happened at many forks in the road throughout my life. It usually starts with the uncomfortable comfort feeling. It starts with the déjà vu in my mind; the having been here before and not wanting to act out this play again. The result and end will be the same and my part will be just as bad as it was the last time.
But, I am left with the hurt and guilt and anger at myself for leaving you there; and then at you for wanting to bring me back there. I am left to play the tape out and then remember the last time and the time before and the many times before that, and I am left feeling all those feelings that I don‘t have to feel any more in the life I live. I want to shout at you, “What are you thinking, having so little respect for my life choices and me? Where do you get off even asking me to go through this again with you? Did you not know how much I hurt for you when you went on your trips of self-loathing and ending up in places that left you unsafe and me in constant worry for you?” But, I will bet you never gave these things a thought, these words a plea, these feelings a tear.
So, today, I make decisions in the play of my life; which does not allow choices that others make affect my life. I do not allow the choices you make be the same ones I always made with you and for you to keep you in my life. My choices and decisions today, have to take the high road and the honest road; I have to live with integrity and strength. It is not always the easy road and sometimes it is not even paved, just a rocky path that I must dig and crawl through. But, leaving people behind is sometimes what I must continue to do when it will affect my recovery today. My recovery has to come first and cannot be compromised by letting negative lives and dangerous lives around me. I have walked away from important people in my life since I got clean to protect my clean date and sanity, and I will continue to d o so because my life is all I have and all I have is my life.
With this in mind, let me pose a pondering thought out to you. If your life is all you have and all you have is your life; would you allow people in your life making decisions that affect your heart, sanity, and in turn, your life? Seems like pretty easy choices and decisions when putting like this, however when in real life these come up and it is friends or family involved; the answer is always a little harder and scarier.
What I do know and understand today, though, is that my life is my life and it is the only one I have. It is very valuable to me with as much serenity and peace as I can find within. Outside forces are sometimes compromised and lead to having to tolerate decisions made by others, but I do not have to remain compromised for any longer than it takes to change a choice or make a decision.
I truly hope you enjoy the read and choose to like, share, follow my blog. Until next time, choose to let the people go or choose to go without the people if they are not working in positive lights in your life.