Not My Way; But Still My Play
So, I have way too many posts started and way too few finished. I keep starting and changing mid-stream because something will come up that I want to address. And then, before that tangent moment is over I have already started another one. And I will comfort, console, and convince myself that this is okay; the right way to do these things.
You see, in my life, I choose and will continue to choose the next chapter in my life; the play. I will go on selecting the actors and actresses and set the plots to play. I will do what I think is right and sometimes what I think is wrong just to keep it real, so to speak. My play of life is very real and candid and full of moments that I can call mine because at the end of the day as I lay in my bed, all that I chose to play a part today were there, and they read their lines and did their acts and played their parts.
And that is the reality of life. We each rise and decide who will partake of our life today and what their parts will be, and then we decide the next move to be made. Although we will swear that sometimes this is not what we wanted to have happened or become; the reality is that what we put out into the universe is what we get. So, guess what; you did write that part and those lines. What happens is a direct result of other choices we have made and vibes we have sent to the universe.
Let me see if I can give an example of what I believe. I think I believe that I want a particular job within my reach. I apply for it when one becomes available, but I do not get it. Now, I believe there are two things at work here denoting what the result turns out to be. First of all is the fact that even though I apply and want this job, there is a measure of disbelief in the actual act of getting it. I am not as sure as I think I am and that is what the universe gets from me. There are insecurity and disbelief and finding me not worthy of, at play when I say I want it. So, this is how it goes. I want something and then I send that out to the universe to give me what I want. Now let’s go behind the scene to where I am thinking about this. I know I want it, but what goes out to the universe is I want it, but I don’t want to count on it. I don’t want to be left high and dry and disappointed if it doesn’t happen. I say I want it and then I say, but not seriously. The universe, I believe, reacts to my notions, feelings, and thoughts much more than the words I speak. I do not know how to be totally sure of myself and believe in myself getting what I desire for me.
The reason for this lack of trust in me and the universe stems from a lifetime of disappointments and unhappy endings. From a world of chaos and mayhem and pain, I have learned to never reach for things and believe in those things that I am worthy.
But, today I had a wonderful awakening and connection with God and the universe. Today God spoke to me in ways I could understand and see. There was something going on in my life that was leaving me feeling stressed and concerned about what was going on. I have had some trouble sleeping lately as I worried about how to fix it. I had understood that in order to know what God and the universe want for me; that I had to first put everything in motion and do all the footwork, so I was doing just that. Then yesterday, things started falling into place without my help. And this morning as I was going to a couple of appointments; I ran into a few people who I knew and were now playing a pivotal part in this grand play called my life. And then, as I am driving, I realize that God has me and my back and even bigger than that; he doesn’t need my help. Fireworks and all, as I am reminded in the only way he knows I will understand that he has got me taken care of. In that instant, I felt all of my stress, insecurities, worries, pain, and fears leave me. I had tears in my eyes and gratitude in my heart as I understood, finally, that he has got the best for me in his vision and I can relax and enjoy the ride and the play that is called My Life. It is such an amazing feeling that was with me the rest of the day and will stay with me now.
I do not have to stress about my life anymore. I can truly be at peace that what I desire for myself I can have and I truly deserve to have what I desire. My gratitude is so great and can stay with me now and wrap itself around me as I only have to desire what I want, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing.
So simple and yet I tried to make it so complicated. I usually do try to complicate the hell out of things, and sometimes without even knowing it or seeing it. I had the choice at work today to accept what I did wrong, with a period at the end of that sentence, or take it to the next level and do unto her what she did unto me. And for a minute I was willing to do that tit for tat and make us both pay. And as I sit here I realize that her attitude sucks and I was allowing it to enter into my life and behave the same as she, with malice and intent to hurt. So, today I will let that go and get on with the business of living my life; because that is busy enough for me. Period. Period. Period. However, what I have realized is that letting it go and really letting it go are two very different animals. There is a part of me that wants to hang on with righteous indignation this event. I want to pounce and blame and point the very finger I told her to not to ever point at me again at her. The two sides to this coin are real and in front of me. Today, I am going to choose to walk ahead with one foot in front of the other and let God take care of this. I am done with it and not going to let it affect my day any further. I am happy with my life right now and going to end this day on a much happier note. Period.
And my vent is done and I have truly let it go, without malice, or ugliness or anything unkind. I will pray for me and turn it over and do it again to make sure. It is time to go to my circus and see what my monkeys are up to. I do love my circus and my monkeys because today they are up to innocent fun. Laughter and fun are the names of the games today for the rest of the day.
And as this will go into my memory vault, it will go as a memory that is just a little less painful and a little bit better because I did not follow my first instinct and lash and blame. This memory will not haunt me or be cringe-worthy; it will merely be a flash of a memory gone by with nothing more than a shrug of my shoulders. Go me as I go forth with the rest of this wonderful day.
I will leave you with this thought to ponder on, though. If I change the course of a memory before it becomes a memory; am I really changing the future? It would seem to me I am. It would seem to me that by changing how I remember it when it comes up in the future; I may now change how I respond to a similar situation in the future. What would you think?
Alas, we are at the end of this piece. As always, please enjoy the read. If you do enjoy, please like, share, and follow. If the moment arises in you, feel free to comment on my blog site.