Learning From My Own Karma
Learning from others mistakes and I am already shaking my head no. How do I know me so well? Sometimes I astonish myself with the knowledge of my own thinking patterns. I actually knew as I started typing this that I would be shaking my head no. I want to say that I am really good at this learning from others mistakes, but I am not and would be lying if I said I was.
I am going, to be honest to a fault with this topic (not that I am not with all the others), but I feel the crazy with this one regularly; especially knowing going into things that others have tried and gotten the same results I am going to get. I want to say it is an innocent incident when I start out, but it is not. I truly do go into these thinking that my results will be different, that I am the exception to the rule, that I am that much better at doing this particular thing than anyone else. And there I go with the great I am. I can do this the right way because my way is the right way; believing that my motives are better and someone (God) will allow my results to be different. And this is the pattern my head follows. Now, considering the way things have gone which was pretty much just like everyone else’s; you would think I would learn from others and my own experiences, but, not so much. I seem to think I must continue to push the envelope again, test the waters again; learn the same thing again.
I can actually wake up in the morning, grateful that I woke up and then continue along with my day and come across something, let’s say an idea; oh hell; the truth is a real good example is… One morning a number of years (say about four maybe) ago, I had someone online approach me to be a secret shopper for a firm out of Ontario. Now, I am intelligent and been out in the real world for most of my life and understand scams, I have been known to be a part of them in my younger and more desperate days, but I have heard of secret shoppers before and it looked good (too good to be true). So, I deposited the check to my bank account and proceeded to pull out funds immediately to go and do the first transaction which was to send a cash wire deposit through Wal-Mart to the said company, including a purchase of a small item in the store from their electronics department. Now, keep in mind, I am intelligent and have heard of secret shoppers and then go ahead and call the said company for the next check to get to me. And it gets to me fast and I am ecstatic. I am making money. So, the next chore is the same as the first one, only at a different Wal-Mart. So, now I have sent two cash money transfers to this company in a couple of days and my stomach is in knots. I am feeling like something is wrong and the bank calls to tell me check number one has bounced. And I call the said company and nobody answers. The short version of this story is that I started to see signs and feel things, but thought for sure that would not be happening to me today, because I am a changed person; so I went ahead with the second one already feeling the outcome. Now, I am a person with a whole different outlook on life and lease with life. I do not live this way anymore. However, what my head forgot to put into that equation is that I may very well lead a different life today, a better life today as a better person; but that is just me, not the rest of the world. I don’t know what made me think that the rest of the world became just like me but that is what my subconscious was thinking.
Before you all get up in arms that God or karma was doing payback; let’s take a reality look see first. God does not do payback. And karma, well maybe, or it could simply be that I did not follow the feeling in my stomach when I knew something felt wrong. To stretch the mind and imagination, it could be that I was the karma in my own destination. And I think about this, mull it over in my mind; try to mold and shape it to another form. I want to believe that karma didn’t have it out for me and I know I did have it out for me; feeling guilty about the things I had done in my past. So, if I look at the way it played out and my part, the biggest part; I am the common denominator in this scene. So why didn’t I follow my gut when it was tying itself in knots? Why didn’t I stop the events from happening when the feeling first started? Why didn’t I and why didn’t I? Could it have been that I felt I deserved to be taken and deserved to know how it felt to be on this side of a scam? If I am being honest, that would probably be the truth. And why not punish myself; it is what I had learned to do the best in my life over the years. It was my comfort zone.
Now the thing I am learning as I type this and read it; I realize that I could so be my own karma and stick it to myself. Considering the only feeling of remorse I have is that I allowed this to happen while using not just my money, but my husband’s money too. And I feel that was unfair and I have given him a heartfelt apology for including him in this without him even knowing about it. And I have learned.
I have learned that I can be my own karma in my own life and I have since forgiven myself and accepted that sometimes I can be my own watchdog in my life and my own prosecutor. And the biggest thing I learned from this is that I can be okay and accept that when I do not pay attention to the feelings and warning signs in front or inside me, the consequences will be mine.
Do I think I learned from this and will not have to repeat a story like this again; maybe? As long as it is exactly the same thing, as long as it happens exactly the same way, as long as I am keeping guard on me. Otherwise, I think that I will probably make more mistakes in the future that afterward I will look at (dissect) and find I did the same thing, but different again. Welcome to my world again.
So, this time, I will leave you with a pondering thought. If we always catch ourselves and stop ourselves before making the mistake; how do we learn from it? If it never became the mistake, how do we learn what we did wrong? And if we never do wrong, wouldn’t we be perfect then? And if we were perfect all the time, how would we know how to protect ourselves in our time of need? The vicious circle that will have no end.
Hope you enjoy the read, and until next time; be honest where honesty matters, in your life all the time.