My Tears And I
And here I sit again at the computer wondering what to tackle this time. Shall it be about the way I think or feel or about the girl I was or am or about the jobs I have had or not had or the many tears I have cried?
I am thinking the last one may be where to go this time. The tears I have cried and the ones yet to come. I wake up today and I am so grateful for my tears because they are the washing machine of my body. When I let them out to fall, I feel drained in the end, but also so very clean. There is something about getting them out of my eyes and running down my face that releases whatever I need to so that the next day I can start new and try another avenue or street or alley than the broken one I am on, or if I am on a good or great one, they will help me settle down. When I feel the need to cry it is always about feelings that I want to feel or don’t want to feel. They can fall from happiness, gratitude, sadness, pain, fear, regret, from it all. And when the floodgates open and they start they take those feelings with them and cleanse my insides and set me free. It is like being unshackled from the grips of, because even if they are tears of happiness or gratitude; I can still get caught up in the grips of too much self (ego) centeredness, thinking I should ride this wave. It is fine for those that don’t go there but I do go there. If I am grateful or happy it can soon change to ‘I can do anything and get away with it’. You see, most of my life has been spent that way; the good or great feelings come and I am running with the bulls thinking I can do no wrong. I stop myself today at that point before I can go any further. Why do you ask? I am infamous to myself in taking the ego for a test drive and then stealing the car is the answer. I kid you not. Give me a bone and I am going to take it, hide it, steal yours, and make it look like you gave it to me. I have never said that all of my talents are for the good because they are not. There is always some lurking just below the surface that I must always be on guard. And this would be one of them. Will it ever go away? I don’t know. I do not read my future today like I did in the past. I used to think I could mould my future and have it turn out that way; but today, not so much. It never worked out the way I tried to mould it anyway. But, back to the subject at hand, this perception, and place I can go with happiness and gratitude sometimes frustrates me, but then I realize that at least today I recognize what is happening as it happens and have the opportunity to stop it before I become the nightmare I can.
In my younger and more erratic days, I remember getting this feeling and ending up in not so nice places in my head; as I would then think there were not consequences for my actions when life was this good. Going on a drunk high when I was feeling so cocky and already emotionally high and then waking up in the drunk tank for a scene (probably fight) with someone. I have to say probably because that is what I was told by the police, not what I remembered because of course, I don’t remember anything. Blackouts; what a treasure, said nobody ever. The only thing about blackouts that I remember is that I usually did stupid things, or at least that is what the people I was with would say. And who knew if they were telling the truth.
And those are the sorts of things I could be plagued with on a good day. On a bad day, I will let you guess where that took me. And you would be correct in thinking to the depths of hell. With so much pain and anger raging through my head and body, it is a wonder I didn’t hurt or kill someone or me. But, thankfully, I did not.
I veered a bit off course with my topic, didn’t I? And that never happens, does it?
Okay, so here I sit thinking that a subject about tears must be pretty darn boring for the reader. However, I think I must disagree with that, though. When I consider how clean, refreshed and rejuvenated my insides feel after the cry and sleep; I can only believe it must be good for me. And, it costs nothing to get this way. A workout has nothing on tears, and not only do I feel better after; I don’t have to shower from sweating. It amazes me how I perceive things to go my way for the better of me. I can now take this to the next level and convince myself that it can be instead of a workout with the same results. Really, go me right?
I am thinking this may be a shorter piece, but then I think that is not very fair to you, the reader. So, here is what I am going to do. I will leave you with something for a bit of tear and something for a pondering thought.
For the tears, I want you to remember someone in your life who left you and you miss every single day. It can be anyone important to you that passed away. Now go back to that feeling when you realized they were gone and not coming back, how sad and maybe even angry you felt. But, for this exercise I want you to focus on the sadness. Remember how that felt and how you cried for them and for you too. After all, you were left here without them. Remember how much you cried and cried for that person and yourself. Now, think about how many times you have thought about or talked to that person; I know for me it is a lot, almost every day. And when I think back to that time, it brings back the tears for sure, like it was just yesterday it happened. I wonder does the same thing happen to you, all the while hoping it does.
Now let’s do the pondering thought. I wonder if all the important people in our lives that are no longer with us, do they really now become our angels on our shoulders protecting us from harm. I totally believe that. I have to believe that. It doesn’t matter whether it is the real or not. It gives me peace and comfort thinking that my Mom and others who have passed are now looking down on me and watch out for me. It gives me the strength to think that I may be getting a little or lot of help from all these people who were important in my life before they left. It gives me freedom to continue to love those that are still here when I feel like they will never really leave, only pass on to another realm. And then I can cry again, only, this time, it is grateful tears that I am not alone at all.