Becoming The Person I am Supposed to Be
And starting the next one today with…‘I am just becoming the person I was supposed to be all along.’
There was a time when my vision of who I am supposed to be was nothing like I am today. I will be perfectly honest with this because I thought I was supposed to be rich with a multimillionaire income from a job I didn’t have to work at and with this I would fix me by adapting to that lifestyle. In my younger years, I wanted to believe that, oh Lord I had to believe that. Every job was going to be the one; every ticket was going to be the one, and every man was going to be the one.
Someone very near to my heart once called me his million dollar baby because I was going to make that and take care of him. And I tried to live up to that and do that with every fiber of my being, always believing that the next one was the big one. And as time progressed and head and my heart could not make those things happen, I felt even more useless and worthless. I would try harder and in a different way, and a different means; with all having the same results. I put results because there was more than one result every time. Instead of a great job, it was the job I left before I got fired. Instead of the winning ticket, it was how much I lost on the losing ticket. And each time I failed with these things, my self-esteem would go down more, my head would hang a little lower; the people closest to me would be more disappointed in me and it would leave me wondering if I was ever going to reach this great vision I had of me in my life.
And now here are the realities of my life. I have had some great jobs over the years that paid really well and treated me really well. I have had jobs that have allowed me to make large sums of money and that I did make large sums of money with. I have had luck in my life winning ten thousand dollars on a lottery, cashing out shares in a company at the right time and making anther ten thousand. All along in my life I have had opportunities fall in my lap or work really hard and receive the monetary value; I could just never keep it or use it for the good of.
And then there are the things that I have done wrong in my life that allowed me to get personal monetary gain at others expense. And there were a number (lots) of them over the years that I made choices to do the wrong thing and take advantage of people. Some knew it was happening, although some did not. None of it was right or good period. And when that happened, the end result was exactly what the end result should have been. I did not think that way at the time, no I did not. I remember getting mad at God for treating me this way, for letting this happen. It is funny (not) how that works, though; the real of karma coming back to bite me in the behind.
Today, I do not allow myself to make a gain at other’s expense and I am still having things happen in my life that reminds me of what a million dollar baby I am today to me. I understand that I get to be a million dollar baby to me each and every day. I went back to school and got a trade that I used to get a job I love doing every day. And I’m good at it, bonus, right?
Today ‘million dollar baby’ means, making enough to take care of my part of my relationship with my husband, making enough that I can take care of me by myself if I have to, believing in myself and trusting the decisions and choices I make today, doing what I can to do my part to help with the future of mankind and the environment, and most important of all; staying in recovery because without my recovery I would have nothing and be nobody because I would be dead. And today, I feel like a million dollars because I get to do all of these things each and every day in my life and be present to witness myself doing it.
I now realize that he was right about the million dollar baby, he just wasn’t right about the ‘his’ part. I am my own million dollar baby each and every day that I get to wake up. And the million has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the way I choose to live my life today.
I get to wake up, first of all, and that’s a bonus and worth a cool million on its own. I get to take care of myself and some others along the way throughout the day, bonus tips for that. I get to try and make each and every person I come into contact with, just a little bit happier or at least less down each and every day, more bonus tips. I get to work at a job that I love every day and more bonus tips. I get to come home and make decisions about me and my life that are good ones, the next right ones for me, bonus over the top. And when I get home I get to be trusted with someone’s heart. Today someone actually trusts me with their heart every day and believes there is no motive; just love him and he will love me back. Total all of this up in dollar amounts and I am making many millions of dollars each and every day. So yes, I am a million dollar baby, my million dollar baby.
This one is short and to the point and I will leave you with this thought. If we each treated our lives like they were million dollar lives; would you do anything or everything different? I know that I did not treat my life that way for most of my life, but I know today that I do. And I know that my life is much happier since I am treating it the way it deserves to be treated.