My Lengths For Honesty And Change Part 2
I realized when I finished part one if I left the desk I would reason myself out of continuing today and finishing the piece, so I did this one as I finished part one.
So back to the drawing board, I go because that is not going to happen. What I am going to do though is post this as part one and two will follow shortly. I feel like I’m in control now so this should work. No. That is not going to happen either. I am going to post this as part one and later today I will post part two. I give my word on that.
That is where I ended part one and will start part two. And if you think for one minute this is fun; let me tell you it is not one tiny little hairline fracture bit of fun. Did I mention no fun at all? OMG!
Once again, I am sitting here so uncomfortable and ready to cry. Yes, I said ready to cry. The little girl inside says this is not fair and she doesn’t want to do it. I tell me stomping my feet is not going to work or tears. And so I now pout. But I am ready to do this and get it over with.
This having to strike back when someone strikes out at me whether intentional or not is gives me grief. It really does. Then I have to make amends, say I’m sorry even though I don’t believe you are not at blame in the first place. See, already I am finding a way for me to be right and you to be wrong. My biggest fear right now is that my husband might read this and get the wrong idea and I will have none of that. So, if you are reading this, Mr. Man; this in no way concerns you or changes the way you and I will continue to do business. Where you and I are concerned, I am always right and that will remain the same.
Okay, now that that is out of the way, on to the rest of the world. I have to start believing that you and I are not always out to get me and that you can actually make honest mistakes and not mean to hurt me. In order to do that, I have to start believing that I am not always out to get me and then I would not look at the rest of the world as doing the same. And there it is in black and white. I still wake up thinking I am out to get me from time to time and when I am feeling that way, I will cast that feeling out and believe you are acting the same way. Put my feelings on your actions. Once again, what lovely person I am turning out to be; which is just not true. I spent most of my life living in this very behavior and lifestyle with people who lived and died by these ways. Hurt before I get hurt. Strike before you could and believe the worst because it most surely was.
I don’t live that way today, I really don’t. However, sometimes it seems like I do because hurts feel awful and then I used. But not today, I just get to feel awful. And one of the grating things I hear today…Don’t take it personally…Really? Why would I not take an insult or degradation towards me personally? Whether you said it or I said to me it is personal. If I insult you it is personal at you for you. End of sentence.
But back to this job at hand. I do not go out of my way to hurt someone and I could really be the adult and stop when I feel someone is hurting and tell them just that; that they just hurt my feelings. That would be a start and part of a solution. The other part is going to happen inside me as I get further away from the time that hurting myself was a daily and hourly affair. I am starting to trust me a bit more than yesterday, not as much as tomorrow or the day after; but this will come. I need to give myself a break and be happy with the progress so far. I need to accept that I am going to have to continue to make amends and continue growing at the snail’s pace I am. See, I cannot even put a period after continue growing without adding the snail’s pace to let myself know that this is happening very slowly.
So let me try this again. I am starting to trust me a bit more than yesterday, not as much as tomorrow or the day after; but this will come. I need to give myself a break and be happy with the progress so far. I need to accept that I am going to have to continue to make amends and continue growing. End of sentence.
I am starting to calm down coming out on the other side of this change thing. This is a good thing and has a chance of having a happier ending than if I was not calming down.
And I truly feel like progress is being made and that this memory when it goes into the vault will be just a little bit better and just a little bit less painful. And I am drained and the sinus headache is staying for the time being. I have found a way to get through this change word a little bit better by talking to you as I go through it. It may not be as much fun or as entertaining to you or it may just resonate to what you have to do when faced with change. Do I think it will ever get easy and unemotional; probably not? Do I think it ever gets easier? Yes because it already is. My hope is that it will at least get to a point where I don’t feel like ants are crawling on the body over.
And on that note, I am off to the shower to wash the ants off my body and have a well-deserved nap. Until next time, if I stay real and true, I don’t have to remember what I said. I like to live this way.