My Thoughts OF My Control
This week I am going to discuss the weird, wonderful and downright wrathful thoughts and processes. The reason is because I seem to have the most shake your head thoughts going on.
I am the living and breathing persona of control. What I mean is I have to control everything that has to do with my life. It not only rips me when someone else thinks they can run my life better; it leaves me wanting to rip them for it as well. I truly believe that no one else can run life as well as I can. Mine, yours and ours. If someone else is making a decision about how something should be done in their mind; I will wait for the moment that that backfires so I can tell them I told you so. I will instinctively know that this is going to happen and then wait for the ‘I told you’ so moment. How absolutely finicky is that I ask?
I am not sure if I instinctively know these things, if there are forces going on and I really do see these things ahead, or if the person is really that wrong that often and doesn’t see it.
I am having trouble getting started this week; which means something is needing to come out that I do not want to talk about.
So, I will go to my faithful fall back and start with I feel… Like I am lost in this world I call my life. That I may be here in body but not in mind. I am not sure what is going on but I do hope that it reveals itself within this writing. Otherwise, you readers out there are going to be reading gibberish.
My father-in-law died last week and I do feel lost. Trying to find a place where I am needed. That is why I feel lost. I need to be needed to feel anything. Control to the rescue again. I am sad about Dad’s leaving and that is there, but to feel the depths of the loss I need to be needed. When I just stand there and be I don’t understand what to do and how to be. Being needed and being able to do things help make me feel wanted and needed and in control. That I can process. This just standing there and being I feel out of control. I feel like I am not scripting the events around the whole death and therefore not able to fix, repair, or ward off things that don’t belong. Like I know what needs to be warded off or how to fix and repair lives. I could continue along lamenting this and running myself through the wringer, but the truth is that if I want myself run down there are plenty of people who will do it for free.
On to the positive. My motives are out of caring for others. They are true and real. I may be too passionate in my thoughts and self-centered in my ideas. I may not know how to just feel and let go. I may not be ready to let all of those past deaths I saw in active addiction come alive yet. And they do need to come alive and be felt and then laid to rest. I need to put them in a different light so that they are just a little bit better and a less painful.
And here we go. My first death was my father. He died when I was six. I have no memories of his death other than what my family tells me. I do not remember him or going to his funeral. I was sure we were kept away from the funeral because we were too young.
I think I am going to digress today to the idea that surfaced. My need to control. As far back as I can remember I have needed to control everything, everywhere, all the time. I also believe my mother showed me this at a young age. She controlled the finances for her and my step-father. She controlled what he knew and didn’t know as well. I grew up thinking this was normal. In that dusty gray area, though, my mind added more to that. I get my own way if I control everything. Things will happen if I control everything. My life and yours will be better if I control everything. And most of all, I don’t get hurt if I control everything. Right there the biggest reason to control everything. I won’t get hurt.
Where do I start with that? I have spent most of my life getting hurt and hurt and hurt. If not by someone else’s hand than by my very own. And not always physically, emotionally as well. Everything from calling myself stupid and ugly to letting someone do that and more while I made excuses for them and me. Well, I didn’t really mean it or they didn’t really mean it. Yes, I did and so did they.
I am afraid I may have to take a bit of time to do this one as I am exercising one of my most dangerous and powerful demons, myself. I don’t like looking at myself in all my flaws. If I can excuse the behavior away with I don’t live like that today; I can look comfortably at that. If however, like now, I am looking at something I still do in this new life; well that is not anything comfortable or painless. Quite the opposite in fact. The fact that I still live that way in my life today is very disturbing to me. The fact that I was still thinking it was the right thing to do until today; even more disturbing.
My control goes so much more deep than my addiction. It is a built in defense mechanism in me.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed with this right now so I am going to put it down until morning and then I will finish it.
Well, here I am back on day two which seems like forever. It would seem I don’t like writing about the close to the heart and head thing that are true, real and very naked feeling.
And back to control we go. It was something that I thought would automatically be gone with recovery. I truly thought that if I get into recovery and work the steps that flaw will be gone. The boy was I wrong. I have probably managed to be even more into control since I got clean than I ever did in active addiction. I would go so far as to say that the time of day I get up I control, the times I eat throughout the day I control, the times I work throughout the day I control, the men in my life I control, the friends in my life I control. It is not all bad don’t get me wrong, because my friends I was just being extra supportive and helpful. It was my motive that made it wrong. Because even in recovery there have been motives. There it is. Out there on it’s way to the world wide web for eternity. Once I let it go I will not be able to take it back.
And now let’s find a way to make this just a little bit better and a little less painful. It certainly is painful right now. I want to crawl out of my skin and erase and hide.
The control issue is mostly protection for me. I don’t have to control today. I can trust in my life today. I can trust myself, my higher power, my husband, my friends, and family. I can let go a little bit at a time and see where that goes. I can trust in my higher power and my husband and maybe my sponsor to start. And it doesn’t have to be painful and yucky. It can be a beautiful thing as I lay another demon to rest and just be in my life; not controlling every waking moment and all the people close to me. I can start with that. The positive spin on this is very simple. I should have lots of extra energy that I will not burn since I don’t have to control everything. I may actually get more done throughout my day and feel less stressed for sure.
And here I have it. Just a little less painful and just a little bit better.
I realize that this post will seem all over the place, but I choose to leave it that way. Sometimes things are all over the place as we try to sort them out and I want this to always be the truth. I hope you enjoy the read this week and I will post another one by the weekend.