Changing My Early Perceptions Part 1
Changing my perception. This week is going to be about the struggle I have had and continue to have with trust. It’s me trusting someone or anyone to have my back and best interests at large. This is going to go way back to some of my earliest memories. This is going to change some demons into something just a little bit better and less raging (I like the word and think I will keep it) and painful.
Please, and I want to put this on record; My mother did the best she could with what she had. She had her own demons she was fighting and she had a lot of pain to deal with in her life. She dealt with it the best she could. I believe she needed a mother more than a daughter. And I do love her with all my heart. There were times she was my best friend, but there were times when I felt she was my enemy.
As a child, my mother taught me that boys were the be all and end all of the existence. Whether it was the guy you had, or didn’t have but wanted, or just a guy. From telling me that I had an older brother whom she had to give up for adoption at fifteen because her mother had him taken away to protecting a guy who had done wrong by me, to protecting the guy she had done wrong by (as she put it).
But the facts speak for themselves. She told me about my older brother and I wanted one so badly to protect me and love me. The fact that she protected his identity felt like she was stabbing me in the back and giving her respect to my brother. She told me she would reveal his name in her will when she was gone but did not. Again, protecting the boy. As time went on there were other circumstances that arose and continued to make me feel this way. Spouses that I left and she maintained contact with and supported instead of me, and little girls she protected and blamed me when they did wrong.
I grew up thinking this was what I was supposed to do and react and feel. Thus, I continued to allow myself to be abused physically and emotionally and abused in turn as well.
So let’s turn this around and make the memories a little bit better and forgive my mother and me. There are amazing things my mother did for me. When I was a small child and would get twelve-hour earaches from hell; she would sit with my head on her lap and rub the ear for hours so I could rest a bit and the pain would ease just a bit. When I had my daughter she was there and supported me throughout the labor pains until they put me under and did the c-section. About 4 weeks after I gave birth when I hemorrhaged and almost died she was there for me too then and wanted the Doctor and me to refuse my spouse at the time visitation to me as he was upsetting me terribly. He did not understand the health issues at all. And I had a few of them at the time while in the hospital.
I remember having to be the parent when she wanted to keep something done wrong a secret. Having to tell her that was not right and that I would not hold that secret made me the bad guy.
I am realizing this is going to be a two-part piece because the demons I want to turn to positive have a lot of pull and muscle they have gained over the years. They now sit quite righteously on both shoulders saying I was wronged; it is not my fault. Doing that just makes me realize that I want to have memories just a little bit better and a little bit less painful.
Let’s start with the older brother that I always wanted. I dreamed and prayed and got so angry that the older brother I wanted could not be mine. I dreamed that he would come looking for mom and then meet us and protect me. These feelings of anger, rage, sadness and remorse helped make me a very strong little girl growing up. Which is a good thing for had I been weak I would never have survived the life I lived. And one more positive to this is the knowledge that I may have known him. It would seem that my sister did some digging around years ago and found out that the same year mom had him and was the same year her mother seemed to have a son. I knew that my mother had had a soft spot for this baby ‘brother’ of hers; this may have been why. I adored this uncle growing up because he was younger than the other aunts and uncles; only 9 years older than me. And he kind of protected me and looked out for me when he was around. So today I can take comfort in knowing that I probably knew him and loved him all those years. Today I can make the memory just a little bit better and a little less painful.
How very strong my mother must have had to be to lose her baby boy at 15 and then watch him grow as her brother being raised by her mother who took him away. I sit, tears rolling down my cheeks as I imagine the hell she went through every day having to be there without being allowed to be his mother. And I realize as I write this today that this demon has left my body, and I have a new found respect for her. And I said a prayer for her tonight that she is dancing in the sky and singing with the angels. And I miss her in a good way now.
Next week; I will tread on through the rest of this particular demonic mountain and see where it takes me. For today, though, this is the end.